


In the Almost

by sir_kingsley



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Bottom!Cas, Doctor Castiel, Doctor!Castiel, F/M, Getting Back Together, M/M, Near Death Experience, Photographer Dean, Photographer!Dean, Post-Break Up, Sick Dean, Sick Dean Winchester, Smut, Top!Cas, all will be taken care of though, bottom!Dean, cardiac arrest - Freeform, kind of, team switch, technically I guess, there will be switching in the future, top!dean
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-29
Updated: 2017-07-12
Packaged: 2018-08-11 21:06:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 30,004
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7907653
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sir_kingsley/pseuds/sir_kingsley
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nine years ago, Dean Winchester ran away from the love of his life. Now he's back in the States for his little brother's wedding and has to face Cas for the first time since he left. He's expecting awkwardness or anger from Cas, not to be sucked right back into the effortless friendship they'd built nearly a decade ago. Dean can't help but start to see the opportunity for a second chance with Cas, to give Cas everything that he deserves. </p>
<p>But that was the problem, wasn't it? </p>
<p>Cas deserved the world and all Dean had to offer was a bad heart.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Homecoming

**Author's Note:**

> So this fic idea came to me as an oddly detailed dream and I decided to make it a reality. I have over 10k of it written so I should be able to post pretty regularly. Should be a little smut near the end so I will update the tags as it develops. Feedback is always welcomed :)

Dean was still shaking thirty minutes after the plane had landed. 

He tried to distract his trembling hands by tapping his fingers on his knees as he waited for his ride but his feet wouldn’t stop bouncing off the floor. At least his breathing had returned to normal and his vision was clear again. Those were the things he needed to be focused on. 

He huffed out an irritated breath. Where the fuck was-

“Dean! Dean, hey!”

Dean turned his head and almost sighed in relief when he saw his baby brother barreling toward him, relentlessly knocking respectable-sized people aside.

Dean stood and had his arms outstretched as Sam finally reached him and pulled him into a tight embrace that lifted him off the ground. Normally he’d complain but this was a special occasion so he just closed his eyes and hugged back. 

Sam finally sat him down but not without an enthusiastic pat on the back that jolted Dean to his core. “It’s so good to see you again,” Sam said and bent for another hug. “ _Here._ I can’t believe you’re actually here. It feels crazy.”

Dean laughed as they pulled away from one another. “I know. Haven’t quite gotten used to the idea myself.”

“You gonna miss Europe too much?” Sam asked, grabbing Dean’s larger duffel and flinging it over his shoulder.

“Not enough to miss my little brother’s wedding,” Dean responded, adjusting his camera bag on his shoulder and following Sam toward the parking garage.

“Jess is super excited to see you again. She hasn’t stopped talking about those photos you took in Budapest.”

“She still set on Rome for the honeymoon?”

“Yeah,” Sam said with a bit of a sigh. “I tried to pitch Morocco like you said, but she’s been trying to learn Italian for months and it’s hard to argue with the homeland of pasta.”

“Maybe I can talk her into it the next time I’m going. It’d be fun, the three of us going around northern Africa. We could go to Egypt, finally get you to the Library of Alexandria.”

Sam’s eyes widened at the mention. “You know there’s an eighty-percent chance I’d cry if I ever went there.”

“More like a hundred percent, you fucking nerd,” Dean teased, nudging his brother’s elbow.

“What happened to that library for a tragedy and you know it.”

“Mmmhmm.”

Sam started to slow down as they approached a small silver car and Dean scoffed. “A Prius. I should have known.”

Sam rolled his eyes as he popped the trunk and they tossed Dean’s bags inside. “I can’t afford to drive around in a gas guzzler like that monster you call a car.”

Dean waved a warning finger. “You watch your mouth about Baby.”

“Just get in the car, Dean.”

Dean did but not without more grumbling. 

Sam directed them out of the garage and onto the highway. “Traffic’s likely to be pretty heavy right now so I thought we’d stop for a bite to eat.”

“After what I just went through, I’d happily sit in traffic for hours.”

Sam shook his head with a small chuckle. “I can’t believe that after all the years of travelling you’re still afraid of flying.”

“It’s not like I do it that much,” Dean argued. “Europe has trains.”

“Still, you’d think you’d be over it by now.”

“It’s not natural, Sam.”

“Okay so food or no food?”

“You honestly think I’d say no to an American cheeseburger?”

“Food it is.”

Sam pulled off on an exit a few miles from the airport and Dean could have wept at the typical roadside diner that greeted them. 

“Can’t believe you even have these in California,” Dean said before taking a big whiff of the air so thick with grease it was like he could feel it clogging his pores already. 

“I think every state has hole-in-the-wall diners. They’re kind of an American staple.”

“Well, god bless America.” 

They took over a booth and waited patiently for a waitress to arrive. Sam placed his usual order of some kind of salad while Dean cheerfully requested a bacon cheeseburger with onion rings. 

“You shouldn’t eat that kind of crap,” Sam griped after the waitress left.

“I haven’t had an honest-to-god American bacon cheeseburger in like nine years. One isn’t going to kill me.”

Sam’s bitch face was met with an unabashed smirk. “That’s not funny and you know it.”

“Ah, come on, it’s a little funny.”

“Heart conditions aren’t funny, Dean.”

“I’m laughing. See? Ha ha ha.” 

The waitress returned with two glasses of water and Sam picked his up. “How are you doing by the way?” he asked. “Any hot phases lately?”

Dean shook his head. He’d known it would come up eventually. “Don’t worry, Sammy, I won’t pass out during your wedding if that’s what you’re scared of.”

“I’m not-” Sam huffed an irritated breath. “That’s not what I’m worried about. You just haven’t talked to any of us about it for a long time. We want to know that you’re okay.”

Dean wanted to argue that it wasn’t Sam’s problem and he didn’t have to tell his family anything. But he knew that was unfair. They’d been with him through this cardiovascular nightmare since the beginning. 

“I’m fine, Sam. Honestly,” he added at Sam’s suspicious look. “I went to my doctor before I came here. No dizzy spells, no swelling, no prolonged palpitations. Everything’s as good as it can be.”

Sam’s shoulders sagged a little with relief and Dean wondered just how bad a response he’d actually been expecting. “Good. You should really let Mom know when you talk to her. She’s been extra worried since last time.”

Dean resisted rolling his eyes. “Yeah I figured. I brought my paperwork just in case. She can read all the blood work and test results for herself.”

They chatted a little longer until their food came out and Dean took a moment of silence to honor the divine offering set before him. He was slow to bring the burger to his face, savoring the scent, before taking a bite far too big for his mouth, his eyes slipping shut in ecstasy. 

It was like sex.

He opened his eyes once he had swallowed and found Sam bitch facing him again. “What?” he asked, going in for another bite.

“You’re disgusting.”

“You’re just mad you ordered that rabbit food,” he mumbled around his food.

Sam sniffed and dug into his salad, only getting a few bites in before his phone rang. He wiped his mouth and brought the phone to his ear. “Hello?”

Dean continued worshipping his meal as Sam listened, arching a brow when Sam suddenly sat up straight. 

“Is he okay?” Sam asked, sounding worried. “And you just left him there? Goddammit, Chuck. Okay. Yeah, okay, I’m on my way. No, don’t just- I’m leaving now.” Sam started digging his wallet out and slapped a few bills on the table. “I’ll be there in fifteen minutes.”

Sam hung up and started scooting out of the booth. “Come on, we gotta go.”

Dean gaped around his burger. “But I just started eating!”

“Now, Dean! It’s an emergency.” Sam stood and began walking away, leaving Dean to choose between his brother and his burger.

He leaned toward the burger.

“Dean!”

Dean jumped up with an eye roll. He took a few steps before turning around and shoving one more big bite into his mouth and then following his brother out of the diner.

“So what happened?” he asked once they were in Sam’s car and speeding down the highway. 

“Chuck is being a fucking idiot again,” Sam said, tone more exasperated than annoyed.

Dean didn’t ask any more questions, instead opting to take in the sights as Sam turned onto a road that stretched along the beach. 

It was the middle of the day and beach was pretty busy, some patrons laying out, some playing volleyball, a few beach joggers. Dean wrinkled his nose at them. 

Nine years.

He could hardly believe he’d been gone that long.

He’d always wanted to leave the U.S. and explore, just him and his camera. But he never thought that when he left he would stay gone. For nine damn years. 

The car lurched to a stop and Dean looked up at a simple two-story beach house. 

Sam was rushing out of the car and Dean followed him. He didn’t even bother to knock, just pushed through the front door.

“Hello?” Sam called. “Chuck?”

“In the kitchen,” someone called.

Sam led the way and both brothers came to a halt when the stepped into the kitchen and found a body on the floor. 

“Holy shit!” Dean yelped, taking a step back.

Another man popped up out of nowhere, hands fidgeting in front of him. “Sam! Thank god you’re here. He won’t move no matter how much I yell or shake him. I really think we should call 911 this time.”

Dean was fucking panicking but Sam just nodded and knelt beside the body. Dean wanted to yell at him not to touch it — who the fuck touches a dead body? — but before he could form a word, Sam was nudging the body over and Dean’s heart dropped to his stomach. 

Because that wasn’t just some strange body on the floor.

It was his college roommate, Castiel Novak.


	2. Old flames

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean and Cas sit down and have their first conversation in nine years.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promised another chapter and here it is! In retrospect I should have just included this scene with the first chapter... But this is where we're at now so oh well. Feedback is always appreciated :)

Dean lunged into action, falling to his knees near the body. He was shaking worse than when he was on the plane.

“Cas?” he whispered “Oh my god, Cas…”

“Relax, Dean,” Sam said, voice far too calm for walking into a room with a fucking dead body on the floor. “He’s not dead.”

“Well, he certainly doesn’t look alive, Sam!” Dean bellowed and couldn’t resist leaning closer to where Cas lay because, _shit_ , it didn’t even look like he was _breathing_. “We have to call someone, Sam. We have to- we have to call 911!”

“Trust me, he’s fine,” Sam said and before Dean could snap at him, Sam was pouring a huge bowl of water over Cas’s head.

Cas’s body jolted up, his arms flailing to fend off his attacker, getting Dean right in the face. Dean jumped backward, his lap drenched and heart pounding a mile a minute. 

“Oh thank god,” the small man who had greeted the brothers exclaimed. 

“Chuck, I’ve told you: nine times out of ten, water wakes him right up,” Sam said.

“B-but last time-”

“Nine times out of ten,” Sam emphasized before turning his attention to a soaking Castiel. “You almost gave Chuck a heart attack, you asshole. And Dean.”

“Sorry,” croaked a familiar voice that he could never forget. He’d never heard a voice quite so textured. It grumbled like thunder, reminded Dean of shifting gravel under his feet. It made him shiver.

“Chuck, can you go get me a towel?” Sam asked.

“Yeah!” Chuck said and ran off. 

Sam looked down at Cas who was sitting tiredly in a puddle as if he didn’t register the wet around him. “Come on, dude, get off the floor.”

“Right. Yes.” 

Cas started to push himself up and Sam bent to offer a supporting arm. He was wobbly on his feet, his back to Dean, but Sam dusted him off and waited for him to gain his balance. “Of all the days to pass out on the kitchen floor.”

Cas yawned and raised his arms above his head to stretch, back popping. “Comes with the job.”

Dean struggled to his feet slowly because his heartbeat was still erratic and the last thing he needed right now was to fucking pass. He had no doubt that with Sam around he’d wake up with his ass in a damn hospital bed.

Chuck rushed back into the room and threw Cas a towel. Cas went about drying his hair and shoulders while Sam chastised him and Dean was at a cross between grateful he had a moment to collect his bearing and pissed because Cas wouldn’t _fucking look at him_.

“Cas?” Dean said and was annoyed at how small his voice came out. 

But he needed a confirmation. Because this was just crazy. He hadn’t seen Cas in-

Nine years.

The man turned around and Dean was hit with a pair of eyes so blue it was like two pieces of the sky has fallen and found refuge in the irises and Dean knew hit heart race was dammed. 

It was Cas. _Holy shit, it was Cas_.

Cas’s chapped pink lips curved in a small smile and he appraised Dean and Dean felt a need to straighten up suddenly, square his shoulders, lift his chin. He probably looked like a damn idiot right now and he needed to get these palpitations back to normal.

“I’m sorry, who are you?”

Dean felt his heart stop altogether, Cas’s words felt like a boulder dropping on his chest. He felt a rush of emotion, ranging from complete devastation to resigned acceptance because of course Cas didn’t remember him. It’d been almost a decade since they last saw each other and it’s not like Dean ever tried to keep in touch. 

Actually, he’d actively avoided it. 

They hadn’t parted on — well, they weren’t bad terms but they certainly weren’t ideal for maintaining a healthy friendship. Things had gotten… complicated between the two of them. And it was mostly Dean’s fault. He could admit to that. 

Dean began to inch away from the man staring at him. “Oh, um, I-I’m, I’m sorry, I-”

And then the man began to laugh and suddenly Dean was wrapped in a tight hug, drowning in the scents of lavender and sandalwood — just like Cas always smelled but now with a hint of antiseptic. 

“Hello, Dean,” came the deep whisper, right into his ear and Dean shivered in the embrace.

Cas squeezed him tighter and Dean let his head dip, resting on Cas’s shoulder. 

He felt like a freshman in college again, an awkward teen completely enraptured by the blue-eyed boy living just across the room from him. Dean couldn’t even count the number of times he’d gone in to hug Cas and ended up clinging to him a bit too much for it to be platonic. But he just hadn’t been able to help himself when it came to Cas.

There’d always been a strange magnetism between the two of them and, honestly, it was part of the reason Dean ran. 

He stood pressed to Cas, not sure what to say or how to end this moment. The knowledge that there were two other men in the room was steadily evaporating and Dean was becoming more and more content to just _stay_.

Until Sam slapped Cas on the back, jarring both of them apart, and griped, “Dammit, Cas, you ass, don’t scare him like that! He’s been through enough today, don’t you think?”

Cas laughed lightly, but an apology shimmered in his eyes. “I’m sorry, Dean, I just couldn’t resist. It’s been a while, hasn’t it?”

A while? It’d been far long than _a while_ but Dean nodded numbly. 

“Umm, what’s happening?” Chuck broke in. 

“Oh, Chuck, this is Dean, Sam’s older brother,” Cas explained. “Dean, this is my roommate, Chuck.”

Chuck nodded a shaky hello. “You, um, know each other?”

“Oh yeah! Dean and I were roommates all through undergrad back at KU,” Cas said happily, his hand rising to pat Dean on the arm. “Good times.”

“Yeah,” Dean agreed in a soft voice. “Good times.”

“As much as I hate to break up this lovely reunion,” Sam interjected, “Cas did just wake up on the kitchen floor. He needs to sit down and probably have something to eat.”

“Remind me again, which one of us is becoming the doctor?” Cas joked but didn’t fight when Sam began steering him out of the kitchen.

Dean and Chuck scurried behind the two into the living room where Sam shoved Cas onto the couch before heading back to the kitchen. Dean turned on his heel to follow him.

The second they were out of sight, Dean reached out and punched his brother, his shock making a quick shift into anger.

“Why didn’t you tell me it was Cas?” he hissed as Sam filled a glass with water.

“Hmm? I didn’t think it would be a big deal.”

“You didn’t think it was a big deal to tell me we were coming to see my old roommate?”

Sam started digging through the fridge, finding what he needed to make a sandwich.

“Why would it be? Are you two fighting?”

Dean scoffed. “What? No. Why would we be?”

“I don’t know, Dean. You tell me. You’re the one freaking out here.”

“I’m not-” Dean broke off and took a deep breath, calming himself. “I’m not freaking out. I just- You didn’t warn me. It was a surprise.”

“How long has it been since you and Cas talked anyway?” Sam wondered, putting the sandwich on a plate.

Nine long, miserable years.

“A while.” _Dammit_.

“Well, let’s go get you reacquainted.”

Dean followed Sam back into the living room. He decided on a comfy looking chair across from the couch where Sam joined Cas. Chuck had disappeared somewhere else.

Dean studied the two of them as they interacted, Cas graciously taking the sandwich and Sam teasing the exhausted doctor and he couldn’t help finding the friendliness between them odd. 

Cas had met Sam when he and Dean were roommates at KU. With Dean’s family right there in Lawrence it had been inevitable that they would make plans to see each other and Dean had started inviting Cas along a few months into living together. 

Cas would come over for Sunday dinner, never annoyed when Sam nagged him into a game of Scrabble or when Dean’s dad wanted to watch a game or work on a car in the garage. Over time he even began helping Mary in the kitchen, discovering he had a knack for baking. 

By sophomore year Cas was part of the family, joining them on vacations and for holiday dinners. 

Dean had loved it, seeing his best friend have such a great relationship with his family.

He just hadn’t imagined it would continue without him here.

“So how did you guys, ugh, become friends?” he asked, trying to not let the bitterness seep through his voice but his voice was still a tad unsteady as his heart rate evened. 

The two looked up. “Oh, well, I found out that Cas was going to medical school here my sophomore year,” Sam said. “So I called him and we got lunch every once in a while and just started hanging out.”

Cas rolled his eyes. “What Sam means to say is he started saving my ass.”

Sam gave him a playful shove. “Cas is in his last year of residency. It’s been a rough few years for him so I just check in every once in a while. Make sure he’s eating something other than PB&Js. Keep his roommates from calling 911 again.”

“They thought I died once.”

“You passed out on the front porch.”

“It was my first twenty-four-hour shift, give me a break.”

Sam looked to Dean. “He’s a mess.”

Dean was left reeling after their story. Since Sam’s sophomore year? That would have been the year right after Dean went abroad. They’d been hanging out this entire time?

The odd part was that Sam had never said a word. Dean couldn’t help feeling slightly betrayed by his baby brother. Which was utterly ridiculous. It’s not like Dean and Cas had ever dated. 

Not really.

“Dean?” Cas asked.

Dean looked up and forced a smile. “So last year of residency, huh? That’s awesome, Cas.”

“Thank you,” Cas beamed. “I wish it was the end of the road but I’ll still be in training for a few more years. How are you, though? I’ve seen your photographs.”

“You have?” Dean couldn’t help the incredulous note in his voice. 

“Of course,” Cas said simply. “I was happy to see you finally took up photography.”

Dean couldn’t believe he was blushing but, dammit, he felt the heat rise in his cheeks. “Ugh, yeah. It just started out as a hobby to document everywhere I was going. But a few publications started asking to buy my photos so… Yeah. It’s cool.”

“I told you that you could be a famous photographer,” Cas teased.

Dean scoffed. “I’m not famous, Cas.”

“You were nominated for a Pulitzer, Dean. That’s a pretty big deal.”

And now Dean had to duck his head because it was too much. He thought he had gotten used to this kind of praise. It came about a lot in news circles and most of his photos went to newspapers now. 

But coming from Cas… It was just too much.

Then again, everything with Cas had always felt like too much. 

“Well, you’re starting to look alive again,” Sam finally interrupted the tense silence. “I need to get home with Dean before Jess kills me.”

“Of course. I have a kitchen to clean up anyway. Thanks for coming, Sam. Sorry to worry you again.”

Sam just waved a hand as he got to his feet. “Nothing I’m not used to. I’ll see you tomorrow, right?”

“For the wine tasting? I wouldn’t miss it,” Cas promised with a smile.

“Yeah, yeah, get some sleep.”

“Goodbye, Dean,” Cas said as they all moved toward the front door. “It was good to see you again.”

Dean swallowed around the lump in his throat that had been steadily growing since finding Cas on the floor. “Yeah, you too, Cas.”

And then he was being pulled into another hug, just as tight as the first. He hugged back this time, arms loose around Cas’s waist as he felt the man breathe against him.

Every cell in his body wanted to take comfort in this feeling, the way he used to. But something in him was saying he wasn’t allowed to. Not anymore. Something was off, like being thrown into familiar territory with an outdated map. 

He wondered if everyone felt this way when they ran into the love of their life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So what did you think? I promise it will start to speed up in the next chapter!  
> Come talk to me on [Tumblr!](http://caslikescoffeeandfreckles.tumblr.com/)


	3. Driest to sweetest

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean goes wine tasting with Sam and Jess... and Cas.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I spent two days trying to rework this chapter to add some depth but instead I ended up making the next chapter longer so... not sure how that happened. Anyway, I will try to have chapter four up by tomorrow if not sooner. Please, let me know what you think!

Dean woke up with tears in his eyes and red cheeks. 

“Goddammit, Sam, get this fucking cat away from me!”

Sam rushed into the living room, scooping the orange tabby off of the couch where it perched, watching Dean intently as he slept. Sam cuddled the cat to his chest and tickled it behind the ears to sooth it as Dean sat up and seethed.

“Sorry, Dean. Virginia is kind of an escape artist.”

Dean got to his feet, trying hard not to sneeze all over his brother. “What kind of name is Virginia for a cat anyway?” he grumbled, voice stuffy. 

Sam continued petting the damn thing. “Like Virginia Woolf, you know. It’s funny.” Dean just blinked. “Because she’s a cat.”

Dean looked away for a second to ponder it and, upon judgment that it was still stupid, he rolled his eyes and walked away.

Sam set the cat down and followed his brother to the kitchen where Jess was attempting to not burn pancakes.

“Can’t believe I have to put up with a damn cat,” he whined as he poured a cup of coffee.

“I’m really sorry, Dean,” Jess said from the stove. “I promise, when I invited my sister to stay here I didn’t know she’d bring her cat. But Ashley’s a bit, um, attached.”

“It’s fine. I’ll pick up some meds and tough it out.” He sat at the table and was lifting the warm mug to his face when suddenly it was gone and he was holding a cool glass of orange juice. He looked up at a frowning Sam.

“It’s not decaf, you idiot,” Sam said, lowering himself into a chair and taking the coffee for himself. 

“Ah, come on, Sam, one cup,” Dean pouted. He couldn’t even think of how long it had been since he went a morning without coffee. He knew it didn’t give him the caffeine boost most people needed it for, but it was about the routine _dammit_. 

“It’s ten a.m. Where are your meds?” Sam asked instead.

“It’s like living with Mom again,” Dean grumbled but went to fetch his pills just as his phone alarm began crying. He shut it off and brought his pill case back to the kitchen, making a show of downing the meds and opening his mouth wide afterward for Sam. “Happy now, Nurse Ratched?” Sam bitch faced him in response. “So. What’s the itinerary for today?”

“We have the wine tasting at noon,” Sam said. “Jess’s mom is coming over while we’re gone to help Ashley finish the wedding favors. Then we’re taking you for your fitting.”

Dean’s face fell. “Do I have to?”

Jess spun around and waved the spatula at him. “Don’t you dare whine. You’re lucky I let you get away without one this long.”

As if Dean was going to take another flight to the States to be poked and prodded in a tux shop. 

But he didn’t argue. It was Jess’s wedding. 

“Fine, fine.” Taking another swig of his orange juice, he stood and approached the stove, snatching the spatula from Jess. “Maybe I should do this so we can actually have something edible before consuming alcohol.”

“Oh fuck off, Gordon Ramsay,” Jess said but she smiled and backed away. 

Dean finished breakfast for the house. Ashley joined them, bringing Virginia with her like a plague. The cat slipped and rubbed against Dean’s legs as he ate. Once the sniffles started he gave up and fled to the bathroom to blow his nose and get ready for the day.

They all piled into the Prius at eleven to head to the winery, Dean still sniffling.

Dean still felt off driving around, seeing the cars in the opposite lane and listening to the loud blaring music, the aggressive shouts and curses in a language he understood.

It was almost dizzying, how much faster the world seemed to move over here. He couldn’t say he had missed that part of America.

They reached the winery and Dean couldn’t help the odd rush of terror and glee when he saw Cas waiting for them just inside. 

He looked good — far better than yesterday — in dark jeans and a soft blue sweater. His eyes were almost glowing as he smiled in greeting, gaze lingering purposefully on Dean.

But Dean didn’t allow himself to stare back. 

He’d spent a lot of time last night just staring at the dark ceiling and thinking about Cas. And sneezing.

Dean had never planned to see Cas again. He’d gotten on that flight to Germany with no intention of turning back, no calls, no texts, no letters. No goodbye. 

He’d needed to get away before things became more than _almost._

Because that’s how he and Cas had existed for four years. In the almost. 

They’d always been more than friends, had accepted it silently by their sophomore year, but neither of them had ever taken that step to make it something tangible.

Cas had tried. He tried so many times, made it as easy as possible for Dean to just reach out and _take_ what he offered. And Dean had wanted to, with every cell of his being, he wanted to take. 

He wanted to take Cas’s hand and give him his heart.

And there lied his problem. He couldn’t give Cas a heart that was no good.

He also couldn’t bear to continue in the almost when he knew it was destroying Cas. A clean cut was best for both of them. 

Now here he was, nine years later, just a few meters from Cas and Dean still saw the universe in his eyes. 

He needed to play this carefully. Very carefully.

There was an instinct telling him to run but there was a voice whispering that he had a chance here to get his best friend back. Nine years was a long time to mend, a long time to forget. A long time to move on.

He would deny the bitterness that thought stirred in him until the day he died.

“Hello, everyone,” Cas said in greeting when they were closer.

“Hey, Cas,” Sam cheered. “Looks like you got some sleep finally.”

“A full fourteen hours.”

“At some point it’s not sleep, it’s hibernation,” Jess said.

Cas arched a brow. “Just wait until you start your residency,” he said. “You’ll be hibernating too.”

Jess groaned. “Don’t remind me, Cas. I’m happy suffering through clinics.” 

Cas gave her shoulder a sympathetic squeeze before turning his attention to Dean. “How are you today, Dean?”

“Good. I’m good,” Dean said, having to dig a little to find his voice. “No coffee this morning, but I’m hanging in there.”

Cas hissed as if he felt Dean’s pain. “And you still came out? You brave, brave man.”

_No, I’m a coward_.

Dean smiled. “Well, what kind of best man would I be if I let Sam and Jess try all the booze by themselves?”

“Good call.”

“Come on, you two,” Jess said, her Sam nearly across the room. When had they walked away? “We’re about to start.”

They walked into the tasting room and gathered around a table where a young woman handed them each a glass and a wine list. 

“Circle the ones you’d like to try,” she instructed. “We generally recommended going from driest to sweetest. You’ll find our champagne selection in the bottom right corner.”

Dean didn’t consider himself a wine person, usually opting for dark beer and darker liquor. He’d had the occasional glass, of course, at special dinners, but he had no idea what the difference was between a chardonnay and a zinfandel other than color. 

Cas must have noticed him staring at the list too long, because he nudged Dean. “Need some help?”

“I have no idea what any of these are,” Dean admitted, a chuckle in his hushed tone.

“Well, do you normally prefer sweet or bitter?”

Dean wrinkled his nose to fight off a sneeze before answering. He wasn’t even in the apartment anymore and that damn cat was still trying to kill him. “Eh, something in between? I mean, I don’t want juice but I don’t want to cringe either.”

Cas looked over the list. “How about starting with a shiraz, then? It’s a bold red, not very sweet but we can see how you like it and work down.”

“Sure, yeah.” Dean circled it. 

Cas helped him pick out one more dark red, a rose, and two white wines. They handed their lists to the attendant and she went about pouring their first round.

Dean lifted his glass to his nose, sniffing the dark red liquid. He saw Cas doing the same, though with a little less suspicion and hesitancy. Cas smiled at him over the rim as he swirled the wine around and then tilted it to take a sip.

The dark burgundy of the wine disappeared between Cas’s pink lips and Dean felt memorized.

_What happened to being careful, you idiot?_

Dean shook his head and followed suit, letting the wine sit on his tongue for a moment before swallowing with a grimace. _Oh fuck, no._

He heard Cas laugh and tried to wipe the sour expression from his face. “Not a good one, huh?” Cas asked.

“Do people actually drink that?”

Cas hummed as he finished his glass. “It’s one of my favorites.”

“You always did have poor taste.”

“I prefer to think of it as advanced.”

“Asshole,” Dean grumbled, but he smiled and almost tried to hide it by taking another drink. Then the scent hit him and he pushed the glass away.

“Here.” Cas took Dean’s glass, replacing it with his empty one. He drained the contents and handed them back to the attendant. “Round two.”

Round two tasted more like what Dean was used to with wine, round three was pleasant, four was good, and five was basically juice. 

Jess asked for a review from all of them on each wine but ultimately decided on a blueberry merlot and a peach moscato, murmuring something about the light flavors suiting the beach venue.

Sam and Jess went to buy the bottles they needed, leaving Dean and Cas in the lobby. Dean could hardly believe how natural things had begun to feel with Cas with their friendly banter and teasing. But as soon as they were along, the friendly atmosphere they had spun together in the span of an hour collapsed and Dean was forced back to reality.

They sat side by side on a bench, neither talking for several minutes and just letting the awkwardness simmer.

“So how has it been being in America?” Cas asked.

Dean looked up from his shoes, startled and grateful. “Good. Different. Faster.”

“Yeah, I feel that.”

“And with all this wedding planning, it feels like I don’t have enough time. I still have to plan Sam’s bachelor party.”

“The wedding’s in four days, Dean.”

Dean bowed his head. “I know. It’s not easy planning something like that from a different continent. I have no idea who his friends are anymore and Jess has a very strict ‘no stripper’ policy so what am I supposed to do? Take him to a library? Host a ‘Lord of the Rings’ marathon?”

“That’s not a horrible idea,” Cas said.

Dean laughed. “Where would I even have it at? I don’t have my own place over here. I don’t know where to even start, man.”

Cas reached out to pat his back. “Well, you don’t have to do it alone, Dean. I’m here to help.”

Cas sounded so sincere and Dean knew this was the chance he had been hoping for. Hanging out to plan a small party for Sam was perfect. They could talk and joke around like they had today and it didn’t have to feel awkward or unguided because it was for Sam. 

It was safe.

“Thanks, Cas. That would ac-actul-” Dean broke off in a powerful sneeze, his head snapping forward with the force.

“Oh, wow, bless you,” Cas said. “You coming down with a cold?”

“It’s probably the cat,” Jess said as she and Sam rejoined them. “My sister is staying with us and brought her cat.”

“Aren’t you allergic?” Cas asked.

Dean just nodded and wrinkled his nose to prevent another outburst. 

“We’ll stop by the store after your fitting,” Sam said. “Get some meds and your decaf coffee.”

“Wait. Dean, shouldn’t you talk to your doctor before taking an antihistamine?” Jess asked. “I mean, I don’t think it would hurt you, but I’m also not a heart specialist.”

“I’ll be fine,” Dean huffed, shooting a quick glance at Cas. “It’s not like I’ve never taken them before.”

“Yeah, but you were on different meds then,” Sam said and Dean wanted to explode, eyes instinctively going to Cas again because Cas didn’t know. He was never supposed to.

“I’ll be fine, Sam,” he nearly growled. 

“Dean could always stay with me,” Cas chirped in.

Dean jerked around but before he could for a thought Sam said, “That’s actually a great idea. Cas and them have a spare room so you wouldn’t have to sleep on a couch and you wouldn’t be around a cat.”

“I-I don’t know,” Dean tried to dodge.

“And the wedding is literally right behind Cas’s house,” Jess added. “So you wouldn’t have to worry about driving there in the morning. You can help Cas and our moms set up.”

The wedding was at Cas’s house? When had that happened?

“This would actually be perfect,” Sam said.

“It’s up to you, of course, Dean,” Cas said, a lot calmer than the other two.

Dean felt like he had whiplash all of a sudden, processing so much information and trying to balance the need to escape a cat with his fear of being in the same living quarters as Cas again.

But deep down he knew it was the most logical move and he’d be an idiot to put up with a cat and Sam’s rickety old couch when he could have his own room at Cas’s. 

In the end, it wasn’t really a decision. 

“O-okay.”

Cas smiled. “Great. I’ll head back now and make sure the room is ready. I can come pick you up tonight.”

Oh god, it sounded like a date. But Dean’s didn’t have a license anymore. It never made sense to get one while abroad when he was constantly moving around. 

“Yeah. Okay.”

Cas’s smile somehow grew. “Great. It’ll be just like old times, huh?”

For the sake of Dean’s emotional health, he certainly hoped not.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts? Feelings? Favorite wine? I'm personally a shiraz girl but I can chug a bottle of moscato like no one's business. 
> 
> Come talk to me on [Tumblr!](http://caslikescoffeeandfreckles.tumblr.com/)


	4. Just in Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean is freaking out about becoming Cas's roommate again, even if it's for a short period of time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am SO SORRY for taking so long to update. I kept having to leave town so I had no time for editing. But I'm going to try to crank out the rest of this fic so I can publish all of it before i leave on vacation at the end of the weak. So wish me luck!

The fitting didn’t even last an hour and soon Dean was left pacing Sam and Jess’s apartment like a caged cat.

His eyes slipped to Virginia, perched on the couch and watching him with a gaze that seemed just left of mocking, like she knew he was panicking over something stupid but was too done with him to care.

“You don’t understand,” he told her. “It’s _Cas._ Anyone else I could handle, but not _Cas._ ”

Virginia just blinked, no sympathy in her yellow eyes. 

“You’re lucky you’re a cat and don’t have to put up with this shit.”

“Are you talking to the cat?” Sam asked as he wandered into the living room.

“She’s judging me,” Dean accused.

Sam’s eyes fell on the feline who just closed her eyes and snuggled deeper into the couch cushions. 

“Okay,” his brother said slowly. “So why have you been pacing for two hours?”

Dean immediately paused, the sudden lack of movement almost jarring. “I haven’t.”

“Is this about Cas?”

_Stupid Sam and his damn near mother’s intuition bullshit._

“What? No. Why would it be?” Dean lowered himself onto the end of the couch opposite Virginia. 

Sam rolled his eyes and sat in the chair across from Dean. “Look, you’ve been tense and weird since we left Cas’s yesterday, so it’s obviously about him. Is it… Is it about the break up?”

The pressure that built in Dean’s head was nauseating. “What?”

“Should I have not taken you over there? Look, I’m really sorry if it made you uncomfortable. Honestly, I was worried about him and after you said you two weren’t fighting anymore I thought it was okay.” 

“We’re not- we- We were never fighting, Sam,” Dean managed to grit out. “Why did you think that?”

Sam sat back, obviously thrown off by this information. “Because of you.”

“Me?” 

“Yeah. After you first left, you refused to talk about Cas. Cut me off every time I mentioned him. And then we found out that Cas hadn’t even known you were leaving. We thought you had…”

“Broken up.” Dean had to shake his head, trying to dislodge the dizziness settling in his mind like a thick fog. “You seriously thought we were dating?”

“Are you kidding? He was all you talked about for four years. But when you never said anything we assumed you weren’t ready to come out so we never said anything.” 

Dean rubbed his hands down his face. “I can’t believe this.”

“If you guys never dated, why were you so weird about him when you left?

“It’s… complicated,” Dean said into his hands. Then he jerked up, a thought occurring to him. “Is this why you never said that the two of you were friends?”

Sam nodded. “I thought you’d be mad at me for hanging out with your ex. But also, your strict ‘no Cas’ policy. So I just kept it to myself.”

“I can’t believe this,” Dean said again. 

“Whether you dated or not, it’s clear the two of you have some shit to work through. Are you going to be okay over there? Do you need to stay here instead?”

Dean waved him off. “No, no. I’ll be fine. It would just be awkward to back out now. And… I need to talk to him.”

Sam leaned back with an impressed grin. “Will you look at that. Dean Winchester, planning to actually talk about feelings. Never thought I’d see the day.”

Dean faked a cheery grin before glaring daggers at his baby brother and telling him to fuck off so he could get his shit together because Cas arrived.

He took the rest of the afternoon to wrap his mind around what was about to happen and he was pretty sure he was ready. Mostly, he just reminded himself on loop that Cas had roommates — like more than one. So there would be other people to use as buffers. They wouldn’t be alone and it soothed Dean to his core. 

Given, he had no idea what Cas’s roommates were like — hell, he didn’t even know who the second one was, but he was keeping his hopes up that the person was talkative and sociable. To the point of being obnoxious because that’s what they needed.

He had mostly calmed down by the time he sat down to dinner with Sam, Jess, and Ashley but as soon as Sam got the text that Cas was on his way Dean was a frenzied mess again.

Cas pulled up a little after eight and Dean dragged his bags out of the apartment, still glaring at Sam’s encouraging nod because he didn’t need this shit right now.

Cas waved as he got out of the car to open the back door and set Dean’s bags in the backseat. 

Dean was quiet as he got into the passenger seat of yet another fucking hybrid and Cas began to drive. 

The silence weighed heavy in the small confined area and Dean felt like he was suffocating just a few minutes in. Cas wasn’t saying anything and Dean had no idea where to start. Just because he had decided to finally talk to Cas didn’t mean he was ready to start _now._

But something had to be said before he combusted. He was sweating even with Cas’s AC vents blowing icy air directly on him. 

“How the hell can you afford to live in a beach house?” he blurted and sagged against the door as all the pent up stress fled his body in one go. 

“Well, I can’t. Technically,” Cas said, keeping his eyes on the road.

“Then how do you live in one?”

“My other roommate owns it. She offered to let me and Chuck stay there for practically nothing. It’s a little out of the way from the hospital but for housing in Palo Alto, it was too good a deal to pass up.”

“Who the fuck is your roommate?” Dean asked, surprised. In his head, he’d pictured the homeowners as some elderly couple who rented it out to students while vacationing in Aspen or something. 

“Her name is Charlie. I think you’ll really like her.” There was a smile in his voice. “She’s a huge nerd too.”

Dean pulled out one of Sam’s trademark bitch faces. “You say that like you didn’t watch every episode of ‘Star Trek’ with me.”

“Yes, but I didn’t start watching ‘Star Trek’ until I met you,” Cas pointed out.

“I don’t remember there being a cut-off saying you can’t become a nerd after age 18.”

“Maybe you missed the memo while watching ‘Star Wars’ because you’re a cross-fandom traitor.”

Just like that, the air in the car became a lot easier to breathe and Dean could smile. Teasing. Cas was teasing him. Dean could work with that. This was familiar and safe.

He dropped his jaw and slapped a hand to his chest. “I told you that in confidence!”

Cas’s body bent forward with his laughter and he had to wipe at his eyes. “I’ll keep your secret,” he promised. “But it’ll cost you.”

Dean squinted. “Name your price.”

Cas shook his head and when he spoke his voice was softer, more raspy and accented. “Someday, and that day may never come, I’ll call upon you to do a service for me…”

Tears spilled from Dean’s eyes as he tried and failed to contain his laughter at Cas’s awful “Godfather” impression. Cas started cracking up half way through and it just made Dean laugh harder.

“Th-that was — oh my god — that was awful,” he sputtered.

Cas tried to compose himself. “Y-you come to me, you say ‘C-Castiel, keep my secret.’”

“Oh my god, stop,” Dean begged, his ribs hurting.

“B-but you-y-you don’t ask with respect. You do- you don’t offer-”

“Cas, you’re going to kill us!” Dean cried when Cas swerved a little.

They both just continued to laugh and by the time they were able to breathe without chuckling, Cas was parking in front of his house.

Dean climbed out of the car, feeling light and a bit dizzy and he chocked it up to the laugher. “You watch that movie too much.”

Cas shrugged as he fetched Dean’s large duffle from the backseat. “It’s a classic,” Cas said with a warning finger as they approached the front door.

The second they opened the door Dean’s eyes widened because there was smoke billowing out of the kitchen and the tiny man he’d met the day before was running around with a laptop tucked under his arm and all Cas had to say was “Shit.”

A redheaded woman ducked out of the kitchen looking thoroughly irritated but relieved when she saw Cas. “Oh my god, Cas! I was just trying to make macaroni and cheese, I promise.”

Cas took a deep breath and turned to Dean. “You should probably go wait out back,” he said and rushed Dean through the smoke until they reached a back porch. Dean watched Cas walk back inside with confusion. 

He was about to barge back in to see if they needed help when a whooshing noise made him whip around. He had to narrow his eyes to make it out in the dark but — no, yeah, that was the ocean. He was right on the beach.

Minutes passed and all he heard was cursing and then the smoke alarm finally stopping. 

“Cas?” Dean called into the house. 

“One more minute!” came Cas’s reply.

Dean decided to try out one of the patio chairs, choosing one that faced the water. It was quite a sight. There were no people and it just looked dark and endless. A void someone could disappear in. 

The door opened and three people crashed onto the porch and rushed to the table Dean was seated at, carrying bowls and glasses.

“Hi!” the redhead chirped as she offered her hand. “I’m Charlie.”

Dean shook her hand with a polite smile. “I’m Dean.”

“And I’m Chuck,” Chuck said as he sat. “We met last time.”

“Sorry about the chaos, Dean,” Cas apologized and took the free seat right next to him. “It tends to happen whenever Charlie gets too close to the stove.”

Charlie pouted from across the table. “I wanted to make dinner as a welcome present.”

“Oh, well that wasn’t necessary,” Dean began but Charlie was already passing a bowl of macaroni and cheese his way. He spotted a few darker noodles in the mix.

“I promise it’s edible.”

“Eh, wouldn’t bet any money on it,” Chuck mumbled under his breath.

Even though Dean had eaten not too long ago, he got the sense trying to refuse Charlie was a useless effort. So he raised his fork and took a bite. It was a little…smoky.

“So Dean,” Charlie started in as they chewed their pasta, “Cas tells us you’re a famous photographer.”

Dean swallowed thickly and shot Cas a glare. “I’m not famous. I just got lucky.”

Cas shifted his eyes away innocently as Charlie giggled. “Right. New York Times, Washington Post, National Geographic, almost Pulitzer, but not famous.”

“Did you google me or something?”

“No, Cas told us.”

Cas still refused to meet his eyes when Dean turned toward him again. 

A change in topic was needed before Dean became a blushing mess. 

“What about you, Charlie? Cas said you owned the house and, honestly, I was picture a rich old couple. What do you do?”

“I mostly do web stuff.”

“Like a designer?”

She smirked. “Kind of.”

“That wasn’t suspicious at all, Peter Parker.”

And Charlie lit up. “Oh, you are a nerd! I like you.”

“Chuck, here, is an author,” Cas said.

“Well, kinda,” Chuck amended. 

“Dude, you’ve had multiple books published,” Charlie said.

Chuck circled his fork around his empty bowl. “I know, but it’s not like they’re successful or anything.”

“Success is relative. You wanted to publish a book, you published a book. Success.”

“Thanks, Charlie,” Chuck said with a faint smile. 

Dean studied the three of them. “So an author, a ‘kind of but not really’ web designer, and a doctor. How did you even meet?”

“LARPing,” the three of them said together.

Dean blinked. “I’m sorry, what?”

“Live action roleplaying,” Chuck explained.

“It’s like a real life video game,” Charlie tacked on. “We dress in character and meet somewhere with a bunch of people and play the game. You’re looking at the reigning Queen of Moondor.”

“I’m her scribe,” Chuck said.

Dean turned to Cas, a smug smile tugging his lips. “And who are you, Cas?”

Cas, who was avoiding eye contact at all costs, released an irritated breath. “I’m a healer.”

Dean tried, he really did, to not laugh but a small bit of it slipped out. “A healer? Wow.”

“It’s actually a very important role,” Cas said, finally facing Dean with a look of determination. 

“Mmm-hmm. And how does a healer in Moondor… heal, exactly?”

He loved watching the pink in Cas’s cheeks darken. “I use potions and spells… and stuff.”

“Cas is the best healer in the kingdom,” Chuck said. “He’s memorized all the spells and he colors his enchantment packs so the powder explodes on you and it looks like real magic.”

Oh, this was too good.

“Chuck,” Cas hissed. “Dean doesn’t need to know everything.”

“Oh no, please, keep going,” Dean begged and they all laughed when Cas groaned. 

It was almost ten o’clock when Chuck and Charlie decided to go back inside, Charlie with a kitchen to clean and Chuck with a chapter to finish. Dean sat next to Cas in silence for a few seconds and it didn’t feel awkward for once. 

He actually felt kind of giddy.

“So Sam and Jess are having the wedding here?” he asked when they were alone. 

Cas nodded. “Yeah, they wanted a beach wedding but because it was going to be such a small wedding it didn’t make sense to go through like a resort or something,” he explained. “So Charlie offered for them to have it here.”

Dean hummed, impressed. “Awesome. I like your roommates,” he added offhandedly. “They’re cool.”

“I do tend to have good luck when it comes to roommates,” Cas agreed.

“Okay they’re cool but, come on, no one could be better than me.”

Cas tsked. “I don’t know about that. It’s about even.”

“Excuse me,” Dean scoffed, “but I never set the kitchen on fire.”

“No, but you did suck at washing the dishes after you cooked.”

“At least I cooked.”

“You listened to your music too loud,” Cas continued.

“And gave you a proper music education that you _needed._ ”

“You always forgot your laundry in the washer for days.”

“But I always folded yours for you and put it away.”

Cas laughed. “Scared the shit out of me the first time I realized you’d opened my underwear drawer.”

“Scared I’d find your sex toys?” Dean teased.

“Oh, please. I hide my vibrators under my bed like a proper lady.”

Dean lifted his eyebrows. “Good to know.”

Cas reached over and shoved him arm. “Fuck off.”

“Is that you giving me permission? All right, well, I’ll see you in the morning.” Dean made to get up. “Do I need to use my own lube?”

Cas hit him again. “You’re insufferable.”

Dean laughed and settled back in his chair. “Thanks for letting me stay here, Cas.”

“Of course, Dean. I’m glad we can spend the time together.”

Dean’s heart swelled and he cursed himself. “Yeah. Me too.”

The silence returned but it didn’t feel as comfortable as before. Dean had something he needed to say and he’d been biting his tongue for a long time. Since he left, really. And he owed this to Cas but a small part of him wondered if it would make things worse. And how selfish was that?

“Hey, Cas, I, um- Look, I wanted to-”

Dean’s phone began chiming a familiar tune that was normally soft but in that moment sounded as agonizing as nails on a chalkboard. Both he and Cas seemed to jump away from one another, brought back to their senses before something too real could happen. 

Back in the almost. Safe.

Cas stretched in his seat and released a tight yawn. “Ten o’clock? We should probably get ready for bed. I have a rotation tomorrow morning.”

“Yeah,” was all Dean could mumble.

He followed Cas into the house and upstairs to the guest room. Cas pointed out the bathroom on the way, told Dean where to find towels and extra blankets before gesturing to his own room just down the hall and a “Come get me if you need anything.”

And then he was gone. Cas fled to his room and Dean couldn’t help feeling almost stunted, like Cas had been trying to escape him all night. He frowned at Cas’s closing bedroom door before his phone rang again, reminding him that he had slightly more pressing matters to attend to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave feedback! I really love reading you comments! Even if it's yelling at me to update sooner.
> 
> Come talk to me on [Tumblr!](http://caslikescoffeeandfreckles.tumblr.com/)


	5. Take my Hand

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Realizing he was in love with Cas had been like coming to in the middle of the ocean. He didn’t know how long he’d spent drifting but suddenly he was awake with no footing and now way to say he couldn’t swim.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want to thank everyone whose reading this and putting up with my shit! You guys have been amazing with your comments and feedback and it really means a lot to me so thank you so much and I hope you like this chapter.

In the morning, Cas was nowhere to be found. 

Dean nervously wandered into the kitchen and Charlie handed him a note.

_Dean,  
I’ll be at the hospital until noon unless something else comes up. I thought that when I got home we could plan Sam’s bachelor party so brainstorm some ideas. The bag of coffee by the coffee pot is yours. Hope this morning is better than yesterday’s._

_See you soon.  
Cas_

Dean was smiling when he finished reading and gravitated toward the coffee pot where he found a small bag of decaf coffee grounds. Cas was literally an angel. 

Dean was able to finish his first cup just before his phone began chiming and he cringed, remembering last night. 

In all these years, Dean had never figured out why he hadn’t told Cas about his ARVC. It wasn’t like Cas would have made fun of him for it like some of the kids in middle school had. Turned out getting called to the nurse’s office every day to take medicine wasn’t good for a 12-year-old’s reputation. Not being allowed to participate in gym class hadn’t helped either.

But Cas wouldn’t have been liked that. If anything, Cas would have been helpful, probably leaving Dean funny reminders to take his meds and he could have avoided that hot phase junior year that landed him in the hospital. 

He told himself it was because he didn’t want to seem weak in front of Cas. First because they were just becoming friends and Dean hadn’t had a good friend other than Sam in a long time — he didn’t want to scare this one off. 

Then, when their friendship had begun to change, he just couldn’t. 

Realizing he was in love with Cas had been like coming to in the middle of the ocean. He didn’t know how long he’d spent drifting but suddenly he was awake with no footing and now way to say he couldn’t swim. 

But that scare junior year had been enough to wash Dean ashore and he knew he needed to stay there. No matter how much Cas tried to coax him back in, he knew he couldn’t keep up. They were both better off this way. 

At least, that’s how twenty-one-year-old Dean had processed everything.

Now he had no fucking excuse. He was almost thirty-two, Cas was almost a doctor and he still couldn’t tell him. 

_You don’t make any sense, Winchester,_ he told himself, _and you never have._

Dean grunted in frustration and drained his second cup of coffee. He needed to distract himself until Cas got home. He could spend all day questioning his decisions toward Cas for the last thirteen years — he’d done it before, several times. 

Right now he needed to clean up and come up with a bachelor party that he could throw together in two days.

After a quick shower Dean settled onto the couch with his laptop, using the Wi-Fi information he found on the fridge to Google bars and clubs in the area.

Jess and Sam had put a ban on strip clubs. Dean still remembered that Skype conversation when Sam had asked him to be the best man and how Jess’s eyes had narrowed the second he mentioned the bachelor party.

“Absolutely no strip clubs, Dean,” she’d warned.

“What the hell, Jess? That’s a tradition!” he’d argued.

“If you take my boyfriend of five years to ogle half-naked women two days before he’s supposed to marry me, I will skin you alive.”

“Sammy?”

“I’m with Jess,” Sam had said. “I don’t want the ‘last night of freedom’ bullshit, Dean. It’s disrespectful. I just need something small.”

They had started holding hands at that point and Dean had rolled his eyes but he totally understood. They wanted to celebrate a union and Dean would make sure that’s exactly what happened.

So… a bachelor party for Sam. Dean sunk further into the couch. _Let the brainstorming begin._

Dean had no idea how long he’d been thinking when the jingle of keys registered somewhere in the back of his mind and he heard his name.

Dean looked up from the blank piece of paper he’d gotten to scribble ideas on. Cas was standing in the doorway with a bag of food in one hand and Dean had to push away the thought that Cas looked really hot in his scrubs. Like… really hot. 

“Help me,” he groaned.

Cas laughed as he kicked off his shoes. “I take it the bachelor party planning isn’t going so well?”

“I have nothing.” Dean sat up straighter. “It’s my own brother and I can’t think of one thing to do for him to celebrate his wedding.”

Cas sat the bag of food on the coffee table and settled onto the opposite end of the couch. “Maybe you’re thinking about it too hard because he’s your brother,” he suggested. “You’ve always been a perfectionist and you love Sam more than anyone. It’s a lot of pressure to put on yourself.”

“Did you come up with anything?”

Cas handed Dean a warm box, which Dean opened to find a heaping mound of pad Thai Cas opened his own, distributing forks and taking a bite before answering. 

“Not anything special. All I know is that if you elect to take Sam out, he won’t want to stay out late or drink a lot because the rehearsal dinner is Friday. So bar hopping wouldn’t be worth the trouble.”

“Wouldn’t have enough people to make it fun anyway,” Dean said around a bite of his lunch. “Who should I invite to this thing anyway? I’m the only groomsman and it’s not like Sam has a ton of friends.”

Cas had to think. “Well, other than when he meets up with a few buddies from Stanford, Sam mainly hangs out here with us.”

“You, Chuck, and Charlie?”

“Yeah. Sam and Jess come over like twice a week to hang out. They’re both really close to Charlie and Chuck too.”

Dean had another moment where he wondered why the hell he didn’t know these things about Sam, but then remembered. Everyone thought he and Cas had broken up. Right. 

Still, Sam could have mentioned Chuck or Charlie. Really, Dean had to own up to just how far removed he was from his little brother’s life. How far he had removed himself.

Dean had always insisted that his family come visit him wherever he was on assignment if they wanted to see him. He was usually too busy showing them around whichever country he was staying in to actually sit down and get to know what was happening in their lives, what was changing. Outside of the big stuff, of course. 

“Okay, so you, Chuck, and Charlie are invited,” Dean said, pulling himself out of the hole of self-deprecation he was digging. “Anyone else?”

Cas shook his head. “Not that I can think of. I mean, I mentioned the Stanford buddies, but I don’t know if Sam even wanted to invite them to the wedding. I think Jess made him out of politeness.”

“Yeah, I think I remember the guys you’re talking about and Sam barely put up with them when he was in school. Well cool. Four people, plus the groom. We can do something small. Sam said he’d like that. Maybe a nice dinner?”

“I don’t know, that LOTR marathon you mentioned yesterday sounded pretty great.”

Dean nudged Cas with his foot. “Sam isn’t even that big of a Tolkien fan.”

“Oh right, you were the one with the hobbit fetish.”

Dean sputtered, scandalized. “It’s not a fetish!”

Cas just swirled his fork around his pad Thai. “Whatever you say.”

“I never should have told you about my thing for Frodo.”

“No, you really shouldn’t have.”

“Okay, back to Sam,” Dean said.

“The entire plot of the series if you think about it. Getting back to Sam.”

Dean grabbed a pillow and whacked the side of Cas’s head with it. “Oh my god, shut up. You’re the worst. Besides, Frodo was with Sam the entire time.”

“But Frodo began to change. He had to remember who he was so he could return to his best friend and they could go home.”

Dean hit him again.

Cas laughed and held his food at a safe distance from Dean’s onslaught. “Okay, okay, I’m done. I promise. We could always just hang out here for the night.”

“Really?”

“Of course.”

“That could be nice,” Dean said. “Order takeout, play poker, drink, and crash safely. Or, actually, I could cook. Grill out maybe?”

Cas nodded as he stuffed more food into his mouth. “Sounds like a good time to me.”

“It’s settled then. Great planning, Cas.”

They sit in comfortable silence for a minute, downing a few more bites of lunch and then Dean pursed his lips.

“So what do we do for the rest of the day?”

Cas shrugs and sits his half empty container on the table. “Well, I’ve been up since four a.m. so I could always go for a nap.”

“Four a.m.?” Dean exclaimed. “How are you even alive?”

Cas shrugged again but this time with an air of indifference. “Trying to be a doctor is busy work.”

“Cas, you’re literally the grumpiest person I’ve ever met when it comes to sleep.”

“I’m not that bad,” Cas grumbled.

“You broke my alarm clock freshman year. Three times.”

“What kind of idiot purposefully schedules eight a.m. classes every day?”

“One who didn’t like being in class until seven at night.”

Cas dismissed Dean’s comment with a wave of his hand. He let his head rest against the back of the couch for a minute. “We could go down to the beach.”

“Hmm?”

“The beach,” Cas repeated. “We could go down there for a few hours.”

“You just want to take a nap in the sun because you’re part cat,” Dean accused.

Cas’s lips twitch into a smile. “You know me so well.”

_Well, we were practically married for three years._ Dean almost said it. The joke settled on the tip of his tongue, coaxed by the friendly banter reminiscent of a time where he would have made the comment without a second thought.   
But he knew it would put a dent in a can of worms neither of them seemed prepared to deal with. So he swallowed it.

“I’ll go get my camera,” was what he came up with instead and got to his feet.

Cas stood after him, stretching as he said, “I’ll change and grab the cooler.”

They climbed the stairs and Dean quickly slipped into the guest room, staring at the wall.

God, last night he’d almost apologized and now he was trying to make jokes. 

This relationship was just starting to mend and it was like he was already trying to destroy it. 

_I ruin everything I touch._

Dean blew out a shaky breath. 

_Be careful,_ he reminded himself. _Be careful._

Cas was waiting by the back door when Dean finally got himself together. He was holding a small cooler.

“Figured we could take the beach chairs and drink a few beers.”

“It’s the middle of the day,” Dean pointed out.

Cas arched a brow. “Are you saying no?”

“Of course not.”

Dean helped carry the chairs off the back porch and into the sand. They decided on a spot a few meters from where the water washed over the shore and settled into their chairs with the cooler between them.

“I can’t believe you live here,” Dean said quietly. This portion of the beach was calm and secluded. No loud families or music drifting from restaurants along the boardwalk. Just the waves crashing and some birds calling overhead. It was a kind of tranquility Dean had forgotten could exist in America.

“I can’t either sometimes,” Cas replied, voice just as soft. “It’s nice to be able to come out here after a hard shift and just…breathe.”

“Did you have a hard shift today?”

“Nothing too bad. I don’t know. They’re always chaotic. I think I was just off my game today.”

“Oh. Why’s that?”

“Too distracted.”

Cas leaned forward to open a couple beers, passing one to Dean who wanted so badly to ask what was distracting Cas. But a part of him was scared Cas would say it was him. And the other part was scared Cas would say it wasn’t.

In the end Cas decided not to elaborate and Dean decided it safer not to ask him to. 

He listened to Cas take a few pulls from his beer before the man leaned into his chair, his breathing easing slowly until Dean was sure he was asleep.

And Dean looked at him.

His head was tilted back, his face angled just perfectly to bask in the warmth of the sun, lips relaxed and slightly open. His eyes were hidden behind sunglasses but Dean lost himself in the short hairs near his ears catching the wind and whispering across Cas’s skin. 

Dean knew that some people didn’t consider Cas conventionally attractive — Cas certainly hadn’t when they were in school. He said his lips were too pink and too dry and though people complimented the hue of his eyes they also loved to comment on the dark circles that often weighed below them and called his gaze “disarming.” And somewhere along the line Cas had also gotten the absurd impression that his nose was too triangular or something. 

But Dean had never understood any of those observations because he thought Cas was the most beautiful combination of features ever assembled. 

His broad lips invited a challenge to kiss and bite that bright pink into something darker. 

His eyes were a scientific phenomenon as far as Dean was concerned. The bruises beneath were adorable and made Dean feel warm when he thought about rubbing the pads of his thumbs across them, pressing his lips to them as if he could kiss Cas’s exhaustion away. 

His gaze wasn’t disarming, it was the most comfortable presence Dean had ever felt. Because when Cas looked at him, Dean felt seen. Not just acknowledged, but seen and adored. 

And Cas’s nose was the cutest damn nose to ever exist.

Castiel was a heavenly marvel. 

Dean lifted his camera, taking in Cas’s profile through the safety of his viewfinder before snapping a photo. He stood and took a few steps back, taking another photo and then moving even further away. He took a whole gallery of photos of Cas from every angle he could think of without waking him.

He crouched in front of Cas, a little to the right, trying to fit Cas’s sleeping face in the top left corner of the frame while capturing the way his fingers ghosted over the lip of his beer bottle in the bottom right corner. 

He took the shot and lowered the camera with a smile, eyes zeroing in on Cas’s hand again. 

The skin was dry, probably from all the gloves and hand washing he had to do in the hospital. His fingers were long and lithe and Dean couldn’t help imagining all the people Cas had healed with these hands, the literal lives Cas had and would hold in them.

He was blinded by a sweet memory. 

A sunny day, still muggy from the spring rains, and textbooks scattered across a small patch of grass they had claimed outside their dorm. Flipping from their stomachs to their backs and Cas’s fingers brushing against Dean’s own, a soft request that Dean answered by lacing their fingers together, taking deep breaths to ease the frantic beating in his chest.

He remembered being overwhelmed by how warm Cas’s hands were and the way his long fingers curled around his own. Cas’s grip had been tight but not painful, just strong enough to tell Dean he didn’t want to let go.

It was the first time they acknowledged what had been growing between them. 

It was the scariest moment of Dean’s life, above all the blackouts and the emergency trips to the hospital. But it was also one of the greatest moments. Just a simple ten minutes where he held his best friend’s hand and no one spoke and he could just smile and believe that everything was perfect.

And he wanted it now. He wanted to hold Cas’s hand here on the beach, inside the house while they ate, in front of his parents, during Sam and Jess’s wedding, while walking down the street, when they argued over the best brand of coffee at the grocery store. 

He wanted Cas to grip him back, tight but not painful. 

Dean lost his balance along with his breath and sat back in the sand. It felt like too many thoughts were trying to fit inside his head but he was only able to process one.

“Cas,” he whispered, eyes unseeing and chest hurting, “I think I still love you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts? Feelings? Concerns?
> 
> Come talk to me on [Tumblr!](http://caslikescoffeeandfreckles.tumblr.com/)


	6. Doubt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Or maybe you guys have already met the person,” Sam suddenly piped up. “Maybe you’ve already made the choices and right now the consequences of those decisions are spinning into place. At this very moment your fate is adjusting to fit the life of the person you’re meant to spend the rest of your life with.”
> 
> Dean’s head was spinning as his brother spoke, memories of a certain person clicking and shifting like cogs in a machine. He couldn’t help looking at Cas who still had closed eyes, a thoughtful pout on his lips. He wondered if Cas’s mind was whirling at top speeds, trying to piece together the abandoned puzzle pieces of _them._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am SO SO SO SO SORRY. I really thought I'd be able to get it finished before I left for vacation but life just said "fuck you" and well... here we are. I'm going to be completely honest: updates will probably be sparse for now because as soon as I get home I start work. But I'm going to hold myself to at least one a week. So thank you for sticking with me and please let me know what you think!

Cas had to work again the next day, giving Dean all morning and half of the afternoon to prepare for the bachelor party and panic over what had happened on the beach.

Cas had woken from his nap none the wiser to Dean’s little revelation or his impromptu photo shoot. They had retreated back into the house where they hung out until Charlie and Chuck came home. Dean cooked dinner for everyone because it turned out none of them could be trusted in a kitchen. 

Chuck and Charlie were on board for Sam’s makeshift bachelor party the following night, Charlie volunteering herself to be on booze duty. Chuck would help Dean clean up the house while Cas was at work. 

Had Dean known the extent of Chuck’s cleaning abilities he would have declined the man’s offer. After Chuck emptied the vacuum all over the living room, Dean sent him to the grocery store so he could sweep up the mess. 

And he thought about Cas. A lot.

It was apparently time for a heart-to-heart with himself.

So he wanted Cas. Nothing new there. He’d been in love with the man since he was nineteen years old. Was it a little shocking that his feelings were still strong after nine years apart? Yes. But it wasn’t a total surprise.

The issue at hand was what he wanted to do about it. The way Dean saw it, he had two options. 

He could finally tell Cas. They were both in their thirties now, they had had time to emotionally mature and process what had happened in college. 

Or he could bottle it up until he got back on his flight to Europe where he would be safe and far away from ever needing to admit his feelings. Just like last time. 

The trouble with the first option was everything after. The scenarios danced around Dean’s head in a dizzying loop. 

Cas could say he had moved on and Dean would finally have to face the full bite of rejection. Cas could say he felt the same way, but where the hell did they go from there? Cas was still in school and Dean’s career was overseas. Was he going to give it all up to move back to the States to be with Cas? 

In the end, he realized he really only had one choice. And it felt like his heart was breaking all over again. 

When Cas returned home that evening Dean could barely talk to him. Cas didn’t seem to take notice though, smiling brightly and chatting for a few minutes before disappearing upstairs for a short nap.

Dean started prepping for dinner. He had the steaks marinating in the fridge, potatoes in the oven, fresh veggies on the counter ready to be chopped and steamed.

Cas woke in time for Sam’s arrival a little past seven o’clock and the four of them greeted the gigantic groom at the door with streamers and confetti, Dean taking pictures through the entire mess.

“Seriously, Dean?” Sam grumped even as he smiled, pulling loose strands of confetti from his hair. 

Dean took the shot and smiled. “Oh, come on, Sammy, it’s a celebration,” he said and wrapped his baby brother in a tight hug. 

Sam returned the pressure, whispering a “thank you” and Dean felt choked up for the first time since hearing the engagement announcement. He hadn’t really had a ton of time to dwell on the thought of his little brother getting married. Sam and Jess had been dating so long they decided to keep the engagement short and, with Dean travelling, the time had passed in the blink of an eye. 

Now here he was, hugging his baby brother who was getting married in two days. Like he was an adult or something. When the hell had that happened?

Dean released Sam so everyone else could take a turn hugging and congratulating him. He distracted himself behind the lens of him camera, capturing the genuine excitement Sam’s friends had for him.

Sam looked suspiciously glassy eyed when he pulled away from everyone and Dean couldn’t resist a friendly punch to the arm. “Don’t start with the tears already, Sam. We haven’t even started yet.”

Sam just rolled his eyes. “You’re such a jerk.”

“Don’t sass the chef like that, bitch,” Dean said with a smirk and then fled to the kitchen.

He rejoined the group on the porch where the grill was heating up. He started the steaks and accepted a beer from Charlie who was trying to talk Sam into shots.

“Charlie, I literally just got here.”

“Just because we aren’t going bar hopping doesn’t mean you’re not expected to get black out drunk,” she argued. 

Sam was choking back some Redford when Dean went back to the kitchen. 

He got the potatoes out of the oven and began scooping the insides out. His hands steadied as he added the sour cream, cheese, green onion, and bacon until he felt calm again. 

For someone who had never truly had a kitchen of his own, Dean had always felt oddly at home in one. He’d loved cooking ever since he was a kid, taught by hours of watching his mother. He used to stand next her, on his tiptoes to peer over the counter and watch as her hands tossed flour, sugar, and butter into pie dough like some kind of wizard. 

It had been magic when he was five years old and by the time he reached high school it became a hobby, something to keep his mind off the other kids his age playing basketball at the park or going to Saturday night football games. 

“You need any help in here?” Cas asked, poking his head into the room.

Dean couldn’t help jumping and but he was quick to work up a smile as he whipped the bowl of potatoes together. “No, I’m good. How drunk is Sam?”

Cas hopped up on the counter. “Three shots,” he said and dipped his finger into the bowl before Dean could twist it out of his reach.

“That’s not sanitary, Cas!”

“I wash my hands two million times a day.” Cas licks the potatoes off his finger without a care as Dean scowls and goes to poor the mixture into a baking dish. “You sure you don’t want any help?”

“Not from you.”

“What does that mean?” Cas demanded, trying to sound genuinely affronted but Dean heard the smile in his voice.

Dean slid the dish into the oven and set the timer. “You have the cooking skills of a bear without arms.”

“How dare you. I’ll have you know that I make the finest bag of microwave popcorn this side of the Mississippi.”

Dean actually snorted with laughter. “That’s because you’re one of those weirdos that stands in front of the microwave so you can open it before the timer goes off.”

Cas purses his lips stubbornly. “I will not be bossed around by a machine.”

“Yeah, okay weirdo.” Dean rolls his eyes and locates a pan to start the vegetables in. “How about you go flip the steaks for me?”

“You sure you trust me with a task of such magnitude?” Cas asked as he slid off the counter. 

“Not even a little bit.”

“I won’t let you down, captain.” And with a snarky salute, Cas spun on his heel and marched away.

“Sarcastic little shit,” Dean grumbled as he tossed butter into the pan.

“I heard that!”

By some miracle, Cas didn’t ruin the steaks and Dean was serving the table in another twenty minutes. Sam was pretty tipsy as he looked over his plate, taking a long whiff of the twice-baked potato casserole and eyeing the green beans with disbelief. “You made vegetables,” he breathed, turning his gaze to Dean.

“Can’t say I never did anything for you,” Dean quipped and took his seat between Sam and Cas. 

“This smells amazing, Dean,” Chuck said.

“Yeah, seriously, dude,” Charlie said around her first bite of the potatoes. “Where the hell did you learn to cook like this?”

“Our mom is a great cook,” Dean said. “Taught me everything.”

“Dean actually used to cook for us in college,” Cas chimed in. “I didn’t have to worry about the freshman fifteen until junior year when we got our first apartment.”

Dean smirked at Cas. “I don’t remember you complaining.”

“I didn’t. I was glad to be eating real food again.”

“Wait, Sam, can you cook like this?” Charlie asked. “Have you been holding out on us?”

Sam swallowed and waved a hand. “No, not even close. Mom and Dean tried to teach me a few times but I could burn water without the stove on.”

“He was a lost cause,” Dean said. “The sad thing is that Jess can’t cook for shit either.”

Chuck groaned, apparently remembering one of Jess’s attempts. “I’ve never understood how you two have survived so long.”

“Salad and GrubHub,” Charlie said and everyone laughed at Sam’s bitch face.

After diner, they cleared the table and Chuck brought out a deck of cards. They launched into a game of poker that didn’t last very long because Chuck sucked and Charlie and Sam were too tipsy to hold a straight face. 

Dean and Cas grinned at each other over their hands and destroyed the lot of them.

It was a little after ten when they decided to give up the games and just lounge around and talk. Everyone was a lot further along in their drinks than Dean who was only nursing his second beer of the evening. Charlie had eventually harassed Cas into taking a round of shots with them and Cas was now sinking into his chair, eyelids heavy and lips turned up. 

“I can’t believe you’re getting married, Sam,” Chuck said, eyes searching through the dark sky for a dappling of stars.

“I know, it’s so weird,” Charlie slurred. “We’re basically still children!”

Sam just laughed. “Not a child, guys. It’s time. I love Jess. Wanna be with her forever.”

“You’re such a sap,” Dean said.

“He’s like this all the time,” Chuck said.

“It’s really gross,” Charlie added.

“I think it’s wonderful.”

Everyone turned in their seats to look at Cas. His eyes were closed but he must have sensed their stares because he continued, “It’s nice to see the kind of love Sam and Jess have, the way that fate works. The possibilities in life are endless, our paths constructed of every tiny decision we’ve ever made and those we’re not even aware we’re making. And to think that just one, single decision out of infinity could have prevented two different people from two different walks of life from meeting one another and falling in love… it’s incredible.”

Dean was left speechless as everyone gazed in awe. 

“Wow, Cas,” Chuck breathed.

“Kinda scary when you say it like that,” Charlie said.

“It is incredible,” Sam hiccupped. “I never would have met Jess if I’d gone to a different school. Or if I’d chosen a different elective freshman year. Or a different time slot for the same course, sat on the other side of the room, in a different row, different seat. It’s terrifying to think of but it kinda makes you…more grateful. That it happened the way it did. That you made the right decisions.”

“I wonder what wrong decisions the four of us have made to end up alone,” Charlie said, a joking lilt to her voice but it made Dean cringe. 

He knew exactly what wrong decision he’d made.

“I don’t think we’ve made any wrong decisions,” Cas said. “Maybe we just haven’t been presented with the choices yet.

“Maybe we aren’t meant to ever have to make those decisions,” Chuck wonders out loud.

“Goddammit, Chuck, don’t make it so profound,” Charlie said. “I’m too drunk for this shit.”

“Or maybe you guys have already met the person,” Sam suddenly piped up. “Maybe you’ve already made the choices and right now the consequences of those decisions are spinning into place. At this very moment your fate is adjusting to fit the life of the person you’re meant to spend the rest of your life with.”

Dean’s head was spinning as his brother spoke, memories of a certain person clicking and shifting like cogs in a machine. He couldn’t help looking at Cas who still had closed eyes, a thoughtful pout on his lips. He wondered if Cas’s mind was whirling at top speeds, trying to piece together the abandoned puzzle pieces of them.

But Cas just laughed. “You could be right, Sam.”

Dean’s breath caught, lost in this gorgeous moment thick with possibilities he’d hung out to try a long time ago. It felt like the world had stopped while he waited for Cas to say more, to turn and look at him, to throw Dean a line. 

“Man, this is getting too heavy for me,” Charlie said, shattering Dean’s limbo. “I need to go sleep this existential crisis off.”

Chuck held a hand up. “Help.”

Cas was up too suddenly. “Yeah, we should all probably go to bed. Some of us have a wedding to rehearse tomorrow.”

“That’s me!” Sam cheered and allowed Cas to help him to his feet.

The four of them stumbled into the house and Dean watched them go. It took him a minute to get to his own feet but when he did he couldn’t move.

_Maybe you guys have already met the person._

_The one._

Dean couldn’t say that he necessarily believed in “the one,” but if that existed, if fate really did tie them to another person, Cas could be his. 

What they’d had in college had been confusing and awkward and fragile but still strong. Still catastrophic even in it’s short life span.

Dean had certainly never felt anything like with anyone else, none of his flings or relationships, few as there had been. They’d been short, simpler, more mature, but also muted, dense as if Dean was constantly operating in a thick fog. 

They had been gray while Cas had been a blast of dizzying color. 

“You okay?”

Dean spun around at the voice, hand catching his chest as Cas arched his brows. “Yeah. Yeah, I’m fine.”

“I didn’t hear you come in so I wanted to check on you,” Cas said, moving closer to where Dean stood. “You look like you’ve been contemplating the meaning of life.”

Dean huffed out a lifeless laugh, trying to grasp on to his sanity. “Something like that.”

Cas just nodded and leaned against the railing next to Dean.

_What if Cas is with someone?_

The thought blindsided Dean, sparking something dark and bitter in his stomach that churched viciously. 

Here he was wondering if Cas was the one for him like some kind of lovesick teenager, but what if Cas had found someone else? In all his time here he’d never bothered to ask if Cas was seeing someone. He knew there was a chance Cas had moved on — had reassured himself with the thought his first days here — but it had never crossed his mind that Cas could be in a committed relationship.

“Are you seeing someone?” Dean blurted out and immediately bit his tongue. His stomach was still twisted but even he knew that wasn’t okay. “No, sorry. That was-”

But Cas laughed. “Is this about what Sam was saying earlier?”

Dean swallowed. “Kind of.”

Cas adjusted his weight, took a breath. “No. I’m not.”

Dean released a breath he hadn’t know he was holding, stomach unknotting.

“It’s kind of hard to date when you basically live in a hospital and spend the rest of your time sleeping.”

Dean worked up a laugh, still feeling on edge. “Oh. Right. Yeah, that makes sense.”

“What about you?”

“Hmm? Oh, no. No. I- No. I can’t.” After the train wreck in his mind just now, Dean could hardly believe he’d even tried dating. Or considered it dating. 

Cas’s brows rose again. “You can’t?”

“I, ugh- I’m…” Dean was grasping for an explanation, realizing that was a pretty odd way to put it for a person who didn’t _know._ He clawed wildly at the walls of his brain for something to save him, stomach twisting again because he was so tired of lying to Cas. “I-I have ARVC.”

The teasing smile Cas had been wearing wilted. “What?”

Dean wanted to smack himself but, dammit, he’d wanted to say these words to Cas for over ten years and it was out there so he barreled on. “ARVC. It stands for arrhythmogenic right ventricular cardiomyopathy. It’s, ugh, it’s a heart condition, a rare disease really and it-”

“I know, Dean.”

“-technically a mutation that keeps the proteins that hold the heart muscle together from developing-”

“Dean,” Cas said again and put a hand on Dean’s shoulder and Dean was _shaking,_ “I know.”

Dean’s mouth snapped shut, everything going cold. “You know?”

Cas’s hand squeezed his shoulder soothingly. “I’ve known for a while.”

It felt like the ground had opened underneath him, all his balance and stability rushing out of him. “But…how? I- I never- I didn’t say-”

“Sam. He told me a few years after you left. His senior year, actually.”

“He told you,” Dean said softly, a dull twinge of anger barely registering through all the shock because Cas _knew._

__All this time, all these years. Cas had known._ _

__“He told me you had a hot phase right before you were supposed to fly back for his graduation. You had to be checked into a hospital so you missed it. Hey, are you okay?”_ _

__Dean backed away until he found a chair to fall into. Cas sat across from him, brows furrowed in concern but he didn’t speak while Dean attempted to gather himself._ _

__“I can’t believe he told you.”_ _

__“I can’t believe it was a secret.”_ _

__“It wasn’t anyone else’s goddamn business,” Dean snapped on a wild wave of irritation._ _

__Cas’s eyes flashed to match the anger in Dean’s voice. “I wasn’t aware that I was just ‘anyone.’”_ _

__It felt like a slap in the face and all of Dean’s anger sizzled out of him. _Cas knew._ “That’s not what I- it’s not- That’s not the point, Cas. I just…”_ _

__Cas seemed to calm down too, his shoulders slumping. “I know. It should be your decision to tell someone and I’m sorry if you feel like we violated your privacy. It was never our intention.”_ _

___Cas knew._ _ _

__“No, it’s okay. It’s okay,” Dean repeated as if he needed to reassure himself. “I should have told you a long time ago. I… wanted to.”_ _

__“Why didn’t you?”_ _

__Dean shrugged. He couldn’t believe he was finally having this conversation. His tongue felt numb as it twisted in his mouth. “I don’t know, honestly. At first I think I was worried you’d be like everyone else. Treat me differently. Look at me like some sad, broken toy. And then when we- when we… you know… I didn’t want to admit that there was something _wrong with me._ And I-” Dean paused, pushed a hand through his hair. “I didn’t want to start something I couldn’t finish.”_ _

__“Dean, you know having a heart disease doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you, right? You’re not broken.”_ _

__“No, I know,” Dean said and couldn’t help the frustration that harshened his tone. “I know that. But when you’re a nineteen-year-old in love with your roommate who is perfect in every imaginable way, it’s hard not to see it as a dysfunction.”_ _

__Cas didn’t respond right away and Dean wondered if maybe he was changing his mind, realizing that Dean was broken, probably in various ways._ _

__“In love?”_ _

__Dean’s head snapped up. “What?”_ _

__Cas was staring at him like the answers to all of life’s questions were written out in his freckles. “You said ‘in love.’ ‘A nineteen-year-old in love.’”_ _

__And, _goddammit,_ of course he did._ _

__Heat rushed to Dean’s face and he couldn’t look Cas in the eye anymore. He had to fight every cell in his body not to deny his words or try to twist them into a different meaning. Because what was the point? He’d come this far._ _

__“You knew that, Cas.”_ _

__“I’d hoped. But you never said anything. And you… You left.” Dean heard the squeak of Cas’s chair as he leaned back. “You didn’t even say goodbye.”_ _

__Dean grimaced, recalling those last few moments in their apartment when Cas had been at the store, crushing the note in his hand before grabbing his duffle and leaving his key on the kitchen counter._ _

__“I wanted to, Cas. I did. But I knew it wouldn’t help anything. You were going to be mad either way.”_ _

__“Mad? You were worried that I would be angry?”_ _

__Cas sounded so shocked and almost offended Dean had to look back. “Well, yeah. I left.”_ _

__“You scared the shit out of me, Dean,” Cas almost yelled but brought his voice to a hiss, eyes narrowed in barely constrained fury “I was gone for an hour and in that time you just _vanished._ All your stuff was gone, you weren’t answering your phone. I called the police but they said I couldn’t report a missing person until you’d been gone for twenty-four hours. I had to call your parents to tell them I thought their son was missing.” Dean flinched. He’d never really thought about that part. “Turns out they’d known for months that you were going overseas.”_ _

__Cas looked shaken up just thinking about it and for the first time Dean was forced to acknowledge the full extent of damage he had done. The mistake he’d made._ _

__“Cas, I am so sorry.” He leaned forward, trying to put everything he had into a sincere apology long overdue. “Really, I didn’t mean to scare you or hurt you. I was just… scared.”_ _

__Cas took a moment to calm down, fists clenching and unclenching. Dean just watched the movement trying to guess where the rest of this conversation was going to go._ _

__“It’s fine.”_ _

__“Fine?”_ _

__“Yeah.” Cas inhaled deeply, breathing it out slowly and all of his energy seemed to seep out of his body with it. “I understand.”_ _

__Dean blinked. “You do?”_ _

__Cas tilted his head. “Dean, you were young. You had a rare heart condition. It’s not ridiculous to think that you’d want to go see the world. Experience life before it was taken away from you.”_ _

__And just like that, Dean felt like his airways were cleared. Cas understood. Of course he understood. “Thanks, Cas.” He could breathe again._ _

__“Even though ARVC generally has a low risk of sudden cardiac death and doesn’t affect how long a person can live with proper management,” Cas continued in a breath and Dean blinked at him._ _

__Dean almost laughed at Cas’s breadth of knowledge. “Did you research it?”_ _

__Apparently, it was now Cas’s turn to blush and avoid eye contact. “I, um, I actually switched my specialty to cardiology after Sam told me.”_ _

__Never mind, there went Dean’s breathing again. “You what?”_ _

__“I wanted to know more about it so I did technically research it and I just kind of fell into it,” Cas confessed. “I’m starting a cardiology fellowship next year. I’ll be more involved in cardiac research and care.”_ _

__Dean couldn’t even believe what he was hearing. All throughout school, Cas had gone on and one about becoming a pediatrician. His eyes used to light up whenever he talked about finally getting his license to practice and help children. It was just another part of Cas that convinced Dean he was too perfect. He was like some kind of selfless Disney character who could probably talk to animals and heal people with his singing._ _

__“I can’t believe you did that.”_ _

__Cas smiled then, still looking embarrassed by not ashamed. “I wanted to help. Even if I couldn’t help your directly, I could make a difference for someone. Eventually. It just felt right.”_ _

__Dean shook his head. “You’re too good, Cas.”_ _

__Cas’s lips thinned, eyes glinting with amusement. “I’m pretty standard, really.”_ _

__And Dean looked up, gaze so bold it knocked the smirk right off of Cas’s face. “No, Cas. You’re not.”_ _

__The silence between them was stifling and they squirmed in their seats though neither would ever call the other out on it. This moment that they’d dug themselves into was far too raw for poking or teasing. Someone could easily leave here bleeding._ _

__Normally Dean would be the one to lay himself out there, take the brunt of the hit. But, dammit, he was scared. Beyond all imagination. He was fucking trembling and, whoa, was Cas spinning?_ _

__No, not spinning._ _

__Just blurry._ _

__“Dean are you okay?”_ _

__Cas’s voice sounded a bit distant but it was enough to anchor Dean. He rubbed at his face, sucked in a deep breath. It could just be the stress of this conversation but Dean knew better. _Goddammit, not today._ “Yeah. I’m just tired.”_ _

__Cas hummed, none the wiser. “It’s late. We should both go to bed.”_ _

__Dean just nodded and he wobbled into the house after Cas. Cas turned the back porch light off and suddenly they were in complete shadow._ _

__Warm fingers slipped around Dean’s and he startled for a heartbeat before calming at Cas’s light chuckle. “Come on,” Cas whispered into the dark and began leading Dean to the stairs._ _

__They climbed the steps slowly and Dean blinked rapidly in the dark until his vision finally cleared, lines of the shadows becoming a bit sharper, and he sighed in relief._ _

__Cas’s hand was so warm, an anchor Dean was glad to finally have even if he didn’t know for how long._ _

__When they reached the guest room Cas released his hand and Dean’s fingers instinctively curled as if to take it back. He couldn’t really make out Cas’s face in the dark but he knew Cas was watching him, using the sparse slivers of light to study Dean while he couldn’t hide._ _

__Dean’s breath was slow, unsure of what was about to happen. After everything he didn’t know where they stood. Did they just go their separate ways? Did they kiss? Did he ask to go with Cas?_ _

__“Goodnight, Dean.”_ _

__He couldn’t help feeling disappointed at Cas’s words but the reasonable part of him knew this was the right call. “Night, Cas.”_ _

__Cas’s form retreated a few steps and Dean fiddled with the doorknob, not quite ready to put a wall between him and Cas. This still felt so unfinished and he had no idea what to expect tomorrow._ _

__“What do we do tomorrow?”_ _

__Dean jerked around. “What?”_ _

__Cas’s voice carried from across the hall, a harsh whisper in the heavy quiet of the house. “What do we do about tomorrow?” he repeated. “I don’t… I don’t know how to act around you. How you want me to act around you.”_ _

__And, god, what a relief to know Cas was just as anxious. But hell if Dean knew what he wanted. That’s the entire reason they were in this mess._ _

__“I don’t know, Cas. How do you want to act?”_ _

__Cas was silent and Dean felt suspended in space, not able to see Cas’s face as he thought, but knowing he was still there. And then Cas was standing right in front of him again, hands circling Dean’s wrists._ _

__“Honestly?”_ _

__Dean gaped for a second. “Well, it’s a little late to start lying now.”_ _

__Cas leaned down until Dean could feel the heat of his breath right next to his ear. “I want to act so lost on you that everyone in the damn state knows how in love with you I am.”_ _

__Dean’s body went ramrod straight, his spine tingling. “Cas-”_ _

__“I want to act like I’ve loved you for twelve years. I want to act like nine of those years weren’t wasted because we were too scared. I want to not put on an act at all because it’s all true and it’s never stopped being true since the first time I held your hand in the quad.”_ _

__The wall behind Dean bit into his back and he didn’t even know when they had moved but Cas had him completely pinned. But Cas’s grip was gentle and somehow that single thought kept Dean’s fight or flight instinct from riling up._ _

__If anything, he felt safer than he had in years. He felt secure in his uncertainly, his nervousness, and, mostly, in his feelings._ _

__Because Cas had made it crystal clear how he felt toward Dean, had left little room for Dean to doubt. And that had always been Dean’s fear when it came down to it. Doubt._ _

__Doubt that he would live. Doubt that Cas would love him. Doubt that Cas would forgive him._ _

__“Is that okay, Dean?” Cas asked, breath tickling the hair by Dean’s ear._ _

__Dean tried to nod but it was a jerky movement, limited by the little space between his head, the wall, and Cas’s face. “Y-yeah, Cas. Sounds perfect.”_ _

__And then he felt Cas’s lips, a feather light touch to his left temple but it stole the breath from Dean’s lungs all the same._ _

__“Good,” Cas breathed into his skin. “I’ll see you in the morning.”_ _

__“Okay.”_ _

__Cas kissed him once more, letting his grip drop to squeeze Dean’s hands before pulling away and walking into his room._ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts? Feelings?
> 
> Come talk/yell/chastise me on [Tumblr!](http://caslikescoffeeandfreckles.tumblr.com/)


	7. Waiting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He felt the couch shift as Cas sat up. “Dean, are you okay?”
> 
> “Yeah,” Dean hurried to say. “I am. I’m just… You could be married right now with kids of your own. But you never- Did you ever try?”
> 
> He could practically feel Cas’s stare, see his lips purse as he carefully weighed his answer. “I dated once.”
> 
> Dean forced himself to sit up, mentally chastising the twinge of jealousy that burned the back of his throat. 
> 
> Cas was eyeing his warily, knees pulled up to his chest as he continued. “It didn’t last very long. We were both finishing med school and it became pretty clear that even once school was over we wanted different things.”
> 
> “What did you want?”
> 
> “Something I didn’t think I could ever have again.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay another chapter! Thanks for sticking with me :)

It should have been awkward.

Right?

Cas just left Dean hard as a rock in the hallway last night after confessing his love. Literally laid his heart out in a way that had been as arousing as it had been endearing and earth shattering and then just fucking went to his room. 

So it should be awkward seeing him the next morning.

And for a short moment it was. 

Dean walked into the kitchen just before ten o’clock and found Chuck, Charlie, and Sam seated at the table while Cas stirred a pan of eggs over the stove. Chuck greeted him kindly while Sam and Charlie moaned something that could have been “good morning” but was too slurred to tell. 

He replied to them all anyway and then looked at Cas again who still had his back to the room. His tongue was burning to say something but he couldn’t think of what. 

Just a good old fashioned “good morning?”

_Good morning, Cas?_

Maybe just _‘morning, Cas?_ Nice and casual.

Or how about _hey, Cas?_

Just _hey?_

_Hey, babe._

_Oh, god no._ Dean wrinkled nose. 

Cas turned off the stove and Dean sucked in a breath, ready to just blurt whatever his brain decided on but then Cas turned and ran out of the room.

He didn’t even say good morning.

Dean stood stunned for a moment, every second of last night whirling around in his head but now with a harsh twist that warped the memory into something ugly, disfigured. _Wrong._ A mistake. 

Cas regretted it all. Every word. He wanted to take all of it back and Dean should have known better, he should have known Cas would never-

Dean’s phone alarm started blaring, causing Sam and Charlie to groan and beg him to shut it off. Dean reached slowly into his pocket, muting the sound and moving robotically toward the exit so he could fetch his medicine.

But then Cas breezed into the room, a warm smile on his face that worked to defrost Dean but he still felt so stretched and thin all he could do was stare. Cas walked right up to him and Dean almost thought Cas was going to kiss him when he felt something in his hand. 

His pill case. 

Dean’s eyes flitted around the room, strikingly aware of the only two in the room who had no idea what these pills meant but when he looked up again and saw Cas’s face, his protest died on his lips.

Cas’s intention was very clear: he didn’t want Dean to be ashamed. 

His fingers lingered on Dean’s hand a moment longer before he fetched Dean a glass of water and stood still, waiting.

Dean blew out an exasperated breath. He poured the day’s pills into his hand and swallowed them. 

Cas looked so pleased as Dean chased his meds with water. He took the glass of water when he finished and replaced it with a mug of coffee and a quick peck on the forehead that turned Dean’s entire body bright red. “Good morning, Dean.”

“M-morning, Cas.”

“Breakfast is ready if you’re hungry.” Cas returned to the stove where he began dishing eggs and bacon onto plates. 

And just like that it wasn’t awkward. Dean slid into a chair at the table as Cas distributed plates. A moment later Cas was sitting right next to him, his free hand resting on Dean’s right knee like it belonged there. 

This was what Cas wanted. 

Casual. Natural. Uninterrupted. 

Dean could handle that. _More than handle it,_ he thought. It made him so excited his other leg bounced under the table. 

“Sam, what time do we need to have you safely back into the care of your fiancé?” Cas asked in a soft voice. 

“Mmm… one,” Sam rumbled around a piece of bacon. 

“You sure you’ll be okay by then, Sammy?” Dean asked and didn’t even bother to hide his cocky smirk.

Sam’s bitch face was surprisingly salty for someone who could barely form full words. “Be fine,” he said. His eyes slid to Charlie whose face was dangerously close to bathing in scrambled eggs. “Never shoulda trusted her.”

Charlie raised her head long enough to mutter a “quit yer bitchin’” and sunk back into her breakfast.

“I thought last night went great,” Chuck piped up and was met with two glares.

After breakfast, Dean and Chuck cleaned up while Cas doctored Charlie and Sam into forms resembling something closer to human. 

By 12:30 Sam’s headache was gone and he passed Cas’s inspection before getting his keys. 

“Don’t forget the rehearsal dinner is at six,” Sam said before driving away.

Dean stepped back into the house and smiled at Cas who was leaning again the wall with an impressed grin. “I would say our last second bachelor party was quite a success.”

“Yeah, thanks to Charlie,” Dean laughed. “How can someone so small drink so much?”

“I’ve been trying to figure it out myself for years. It’s a medical phenomenon.”

With Charlie recuperating and Chuck off screaming at a manuscript, Dean and Cas had the afternoon to themselves.

Cas volunteered to help Dean practice his speech for the dinner and they camped out in the living room, Dean trying to find a good balance between teasing and genuine. Cas tried to give him constructive criticism but near the end Dean got the sense that Cas had only wanted to hear Dean get sentimental and he threw a pillow at Cas’s grin.

“You’re going to do great, Dean,” Cas assured him once Dean had stopped hitting him. 

“It’s crazy to think that Sam is getting married tomorrow,” Dean said, gaze slipping to the ceiling. “He still seems like a kid to me.”

“That’s because you’re a big brother. He’ll always be a kid to you.”

“Hey, what have your siblings been up to?” Dean asked and turned his head so he could see where Cas was propped against the opposite end of the couch. 

“Mine? Well, Michael finished law school. He got married and has two kids. Luc got married and divorced twice. Anna is now a lieutenant in the Air Force.”

“Seriously?”

“Yeah, like two years ago.”

“Wow.” 

“Yeah. She’s really proud of herself. And then Gabe is just… Gabe.”

Dean barked with laughter, remembering Cas’s oddball older brother with the candy addiction. “I thought he wanted to open a candy shop or something.”

“He did. A couple of them, actually. Michael’s kids go crazy over him at Christmas. It’s obnoxious,” Cas grumbled, crossing his arms.

“Aww, is Uncle Cas a little jealous?” Dean teased.

“’m not jealous.”

“Yeah, whatever you say.” Dean leaned further into the couch, imagining Cas trying to charm a couple of kids away from Gabe. Probably with bad jokes and a couple of five-dollar bills. 

He’d never seen Cas around kids. He imagined it being a complete disaster. Except for when a kid got hurt probably. He could see Cas swooping in like some kind of superhero armed with Band-Aids, Neosporin, and a warm smile. 

Dean’s smile slipped away. Cas was in his thirties. No partner, no children. And it felt wrong, because Cas would be a fantastic father, a wonderful husband. 

“Cas?”

“Yes?”

“Why didn’t you ever get married?”

He felt the couch shift as Cas sat up. “Dean, are you okay?”

“Yeah,” Dean hurried to say. “I am. I’m just… You could be married right now with kids of your own. But you never- Did you ever try?”

He could practically feel Cas’s stare, see his lips purse as he carefully weighed his answer. “I dated once.”

Dean forced himself to sit up, mentally chastising the twinge of jealousy that burned the back of his throat. 

Cas was eyeing his warily, knees pulled up to his chest as he continued. “It didn’t last very long. We were both finishing med school and it became pretty clear that even once school was over we wanted different things.”

“What did you want?”

“Something I didn’t think I could ever have again.”

Dean fidgeted, not relieved or reassured by this information. A very dark thought creeped to the forefront of his mind, making his stomach sour. “Did you… Were you waiting for me?”

The couch shifted again, making Dean dip further into the cushions. Suddenly Cas was hovering over him with a worried frown. “Are you trying to blame yourself for something stupid?”

“What? No!” Dean looked away as if trying to find an escape, but Cas’s arms were on either side of his head. “I-I’m not, it’s not-”

“You are,” Cas said and sighed. He looked lost, unsure of how to continue this conversation and Dean didn’t know what to do since Cas was right and he couldn’t move away.

The weight of Cas’s body settled between Dean’s legs and Cas took Dean’s hands in his, eyes demanding direct contact. “Listen to me, you stubborn idiot.”

Dean opened his mouth to refute Cas but sharp, blue eyes narrowed and he shut up. 

“I need you to know that what happened was not your fault. There is no fault. It was bad timing for us. We were young, I was a disaster and you were worried and scared and that’s okay. You’re allowed to not be ready. You’re allowed to want something else.”

“Cas, I didn’t-”

“I wasn’t waiting for you.”

When Dean had asked, he didn’t exactly know what he had hoped to hear but Cas’s words hit him like ice water. 

“I know you’re probably panicking right now, but I don’t want to lie to you when we’re starting over,” Cas said, dipping his head to catch Dean’s eyes again. “I wasn’t waiting, but I thought about it. A lot. The romantic in me said, ‘he’ll come back if it’s meant to be.’ But that’s a lot of time to bargain on fate. You seemed happy overseas and I realized it would be unfair to myself to not try to be happy. Either by myself or with someone.”

Dean swallowed and tried to nod. He knew what Cas was saying was logical. Cas shouldn’t be alone. He deserved to be happy with someone who loved him. But he hated the images his mind generated of Cas holding hands with someone else, laughing at someone else’s awful jokes, frowning at their pop culture references. 

“But when I tried, it never felt right.” Cas’s voice lulled Dean out of his bitter thoughts. Cas was frowning, but not like he was worried, like he was still trying to figure something out. “I only had one relationship, but I went on a couple different dates over the years but something was always off and I figured it didn’t really matter when I was still training.”

“But you could be married,” Dean tried again, his breath catching. “Happy with someone.”

Cas’s fingers gripped Dean’s hands tighter. “You’re not listening. I wasn’t waiting, but I might as well have been, because in nine years I haven’t felt a fragment of what I have in the past three days with you.” Cas brushed his lips across Dean’s knuckles, eyes still focused on Dean’s. “I’d watch eons go by, waiting for you. If you asked.”

Dean laughed and turned his head, feeling lightheaded and fighting the prickling of tears behind his eyes with everything he had. “You’re ridiculous.”

“Dean, are you okay?”

The concern in Cas’s voice made him forget his wet eyes and he turned back around. “Yeah, why?”

Cas was watching his chest. “Your breathing is pretty fast.” Cas sat up, taking his weight away. 

Dean had barely even noticed the change to his breathing. He struggled to sit up, sucking in slow, deep breaths. “I’m fine,” he assured Cas who looked about ready to launch into ER mode. “I just get anxious talking about this stuff.”

“Maybe we should wait to continue this for another time, then.” Cas looked at his watch. “It’s about time to start getting ready for the rehearsal dinner anyway.”

“Oh shit, my speech!”

Cas laughed and got to his feet, offering a hand to Dean. “You’ll do great. You just have to talk about how proud you are of Sam. That comes naturally to you.”


	8. A Dose of Your Own Medicine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And Dean could tell that he was losing something here. He’d loosened something in Cas and it was all slipping away right in front of him. “No, Cas. I mean- I’m not- I- I don’t… know,” he finally found the words in a whisper. “I don’t know what it is. I just can’t.”
> 
> Cas was eerily still for several seconds before swallowing and nodding his head like a decision had been made without Dean. “Okay then.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I've been struggling with this chapter for a while and then it just _hit_ me and I worked it out in like two hours, so I apologize for any spelling/grammar errors. Didn't really have the energy to edit and I wanted to publish before I lost my nerve. I do hope you like it and thank you for reading!

John and Mary Winchester were the ideal parents. Strong willed, morally sound, great senses of humor that saved their boys from months of punishment had they pulled the same shit with anyone else. 

Not to say they were pushovers. John had a voice that could make the Earth grumble when angry enough and Mary’s eyes could take all the hope out of you if you pushed her too far. Dean and Sam had spent enough time completely decimated by their parents’ frustration and disappointment, working harder than ever to get back in their good graces.

Basically, they were the kind of parents you wanted to make proud always. Dean felt sick to his stomach just thinking about upsetting them.

Which pretty much explained his churning stomach when they arrived for the rehearsal dinner and Mary Winchester promptly burst into tears at the sight of her oldest son.

_It’s been too long,_ Dean chastised himself as his mother’s arms squeezed his waist and she pushed her wet face into his chest.

Dean only saw his parents every other year. Turned out he got his fear of flying from his dad who as about three times more stubborn when it came to boarding one of those death machines. They’d been able to talk him into a biannual arrangement where they came at Christmas time to spend a few weeks travelling with Dean.

They still talked a lot, obviously. They emailed weekly and Skyped regularly. But it just wasn’t the same as holding the people who raised you in your arms, hear their breathing, the warmth of their skin. 

When Mary could be pried away Dean shared a hug with his father, just left of being painful. He noticed the glassy look to John’s eyes when they pulled away from each other but Dean didn’t say a word.

“It’s good to have you back, son,” John said, squeezing Dean’s shoulder.

“Thanks, Dad. It’s good to be back.” Dean squinted at Mary, trying hard to keep his own tears from spilling over. “Come on, Mom, this day is for Sammy.”

“I know,” she said, voice a little strained as she tried to reign it all in. “It’s just…” She blew out a breath and smiled. “It’s just so good to see you. Here. You’re here.” A hysterical run of laughter bubbled out of her. “You’re here!”

Dean laughed and hugged her again. “Yeah, I’m here.”

“So how has your stay been so far?” Mary asked.

“Pretty good. Jess’s sister brought her cat so I’ve actually been staying at Cas’s.”

“Sam filled us in,” John said. “Who brings their cat to a wedding?”

“Beats me.”

“Well, it’s so good that you were able to stay with Cas,” Mary began. “It’s best that you stay away from antihistamines. You know, I read…”

And here’s where the great parenting became a nuisance. Mary was probably more aware of Dean’s heart condition than he was. She read every medical journal she could get her hands on, sent Dean links to articles on new treatments and discoveries in the cardiovascular world almost daily. She demanded weekly check-ups where she grilled him about his medicine and wanted to know his latest numbers. 

It was a bit much but Dean couldn’t find it in himself to get angry. At least not anymore.

His mom had been the one to find him the morning that he couldn’t wake up. The morning that he was taken to a hospital and told he could never play baseball again, never race his bike with his little brother, which was like a death sentence to a kid.

His life suddenly revolved around pills, which Mary administered at the exact same time every day, twice a day. His health became her life.

The first time Dean was trusted to take care of himself was in college and he had fucked that up beautifully. His hospital visits were usually quiet but that one had been full of furious scolding and an icy look from his mother that had just about made his monitors silence. 

It was fair to say that Dean had lost his mother’s trust after that and he was still making up for it.

But that didn’t keep him from getting a little annoyed when his mother went off on tangents about something she read in the Washington Post about ICDs or antihistamines. 

Dean smiled anyway as his mother finished. “Thanks, Mom. I’ll make sure to bring it up to my doctor.”

“How has everything been?” Mary asked, leaning forward like they were sharing a secret. “Your last numbers weren’t as good as the check-up before.”

Dean had anticipated this question and he pulled the paperwork from his pocket. “They’re fine,” he said as she read over them.

She pursed her lips. “Dean, these are even lower than last time.”

“But they’re not bad,” Dean argued with small smile, trying to lighten the mood.

“Dean,” John chided, eyes narrowed suspiciously. 

Dean knew the question his father’s tone was asking. “I’ve been taking my meds, I promise. This just happens sometimes. You guys know that.” 

“If they’re not better by your next three-month checkup, we’re going back for an ECG,” Mary decided and slid the paperwork into her purse. 

Dean felt like a pouting child, automatically frowning at the thought of having to walk around for two days with those damn electrodes stuck all over him. 

“Do we have to talk about this now?” Dean grumbled.

Mary’s face softened. “I’m sorry, baby. I just want to make sure you’re healthy.”

“I know. But it’s Sam special day so go fret over him. Make sure his hangover is fully cured.”

John laughed and patted his back again as Mary rolled her eyes. 

“Dean, you weren’t supposed to get him that drunk.”

Dean went to defend himself but before he could another voice came to his recuse.

“If you want to yell at someone for the state of Sam this morning, you’ll have to check with Charlie.”

Dean’s skin instantly broke out in gooseflesh as Cas walked up from behind him and his mother smiled. 

“Cas!” Mary squealed and pulled the man down for a tight hug. “It’s so good to see you.”

“How are you, Mary?”

“Very good now that I have both my boys in the same room again.”

“John,” Cas greeted, taking John’s hand.

“Heya, Cas. Heard you’ve been bunking with this one again all week. Hope he hasn’t been as bad as last time.”

“Oh, no, Dean, as always, is the perfect roommate.”

“We were so happy to hear you let him stay with you,” Mary chimed in. “That was very kind.”

“Believe me, it’s been my pleasure.”

Cas smiled at Dean, a secretive hint to the angle that had Dean turning red. Their hands brushed and Dean flinched away on instinct, almost missing the shadow that passed over Cas’s face.

“So how have you been? You look about as skinny as last time.” Mary frowned at him.

Dean caught the words “last time” and frowned at the floor. “Last time” like nine years ago? 

Cas redirected his attention to Mary and dipped his head, understanding he was being scolded. “Well, things have been a little chaotic at the hospital lately.”

“You’re gong to work yourself into the ground. You need to eat more. And rest.”

John laid a hand on Mary’s shoulder. “Honey, I think it’s time to go talk to the groom and his future wife.”

“Of course! Sorry, boys. We’ll catch up later.” 

And Mary was guided away to youngest son, leaving Dean and Cas in a confused clutter.

Cas waited a moment before turning his body to face Dean and asking, “Are you okay?”

Dean shook himself. “Yeah. Yeah, I’m fine.”

“You’re lying.”

Cas’s eyes were narrowed slightly, mostly in curiosity but Dean didn't miss the way he was leaning away from Dean. He was upset.

Dean wanted to deny everything and just go mingle with his friends and family but the words “last time” kept looping around his head and he couldn't help gritting his teeth. 

_But there’s no way…_

“Cas, do you still see my parents?”

Cas looked at him like that was the last question he expected to be asked. “Yes, occasionally. When they come to visit Sam.”

And Dean didn't know why that felt like a bigger betrayal than finding out Cas and Sam had stayed in touch all these years. 

“Why didn’t you say something?”

Cas tilted his head. “I didn’t think it was a big deal. They only come a few times a year and I join them for dinner one night during their stay.”

A few times a year. 

“Dean, are you-”

“Hey, everyone, it’s time to eat!”

Dean and Cas were still for a moment, neither sure where this conversation had landed them but then someone called Dean’s name and he walked away to join Sam and Jess at the wedding party’s table.

He was able to smile and joke throughout dinner, enjoying the company of his family. Cas was seated just a few seats down from his but Dean avoided eye contact throughout the meal. 

Not to say he didn’t stare as Cas made conversation with one of Jess’s friends. But whenever Cas looked over, Dean was quick to avert his gaze and start talking to someone else. 

Then it was time to make his speech and Dean got to his feet, champagne flute in hand. He smiled down at his baby brother who had a nervous look on his face.

“My baby brother is getting married, “Dean began in a wistful tone. “I keep saying the words in my head, but it’s like I can’t really understand them. My baby brother is getting married.”

He didn’t miss how Jess patted Sam’s arm and Sam started to turn pink.

“Sam has been my best friend since the moment he was born. Rotten luck for him but I’m not going to complain.” Sam rolled his eyes even as their family laughed and Dean felt lighter. “From the first day he entered my life, there’s been nothing I wouldn’t do for this kid whether it was giving him my share of the Lucky Charms or driving him to the hospital on my bike when he broke his arm jumping off the shed. I’m still sorry about that, Mom and Dad.” John and Mary shared an unamused look. 

“I always wanted Sam to have the best. The best clothes, the best grades, the best parents, the best big brother. I always wanted to be better for him, give him the kind of role model he deserved. And seeing the person he’s become, the person he’s about to marry, I like to think I did a pretty damn good job.”

He put a hand on Sam’s shoulder, finally willing himself to look into his brother’s eyes. “You’re a great man, Sammy. The best man I know. You made a life for yourself and you found someone who brings out the best in you. I know you’ll make Jess happy because that’s what makes you happy. Because that’s the kind of person you are and I couldn’t be more proud. I wish you both all the best out of each other and out of this world.” He raised his glass. “To Sam and Jess.”

“To Sam and Jess!”

Dean gulped his champagne, trying to wet the painful strain in his throat from trying to hard not to cry. Sam stood to wrap him in a hug and he didn’t even try to hold himself back, squeezing just as tightly.

Once dessert finished people began floating around again, a little tipsier than before. 

Dean was finishing a conversation with one of his cousins when a gentle hand pressed against his arm. “May I borrow you for a second?”

Dean had almost forgotten about the awkward state he and Cas had parted in. He smiled at his cousin and followed Cas out in the lobby of the restaurant with tense shoulders because they were about to fight. He just knew it. They hadn’t even lasted a full day.

“You’re mad that I see you parents,” Cas said as soon as they were alone.

Dean fisted his hands. “I… I’m not mad. I just…” He didn’t know what he was. It just bothered him and he knew it didn’t make any sense but he still felt…

“I don’t understand, Dean. You know I was close to your family in college. I spent more time with your family than my own.”

“I know,” Dean finally broke. “But I didn’t think you’d still talk to them after I left, Cas! You see them more than I do!”

Cas tilted his head and normally Dean found it cute but now he wanted to scream. “That was your choice, Dean. No one forced you onto that plane. No one forced you to stay out of the country for nine years.”

“I know that! But you- you guys just- it’s like you all just went on. Without me.” Dean turned his head away, ashamed by his own admission. He sounded like a child again.

Cas stepped forward, taking Dean’s hand. “We didn’t want to, Dean. None of us ever wanted to go a day without you. But you didn’t leave us a choice. You didn’t leave _me_ a choice. You left and they were all I had.”

“I know,” Dean said again, more calm this time. “I know, Cas, and I’m sorry. I-”

“Hey, Dean, your father wanted to know-”

Dean looked up at his mother’s voice and immediately yanked his hand away from Cas.

Mary seemed to instantly notice the intensity of the situation she’d just walked into and froze. “Are you boys okay?”

Dean nodded rigorously. “We’re fine, Mom. We just, ugh, need a minute.”

“Okay…” Looking unsure, she retreated. 

Dean clasped his hands together and dared a glance at Cas who was staring at Dean like he’d sprouted wings.

“That’s the second time you’ve done that.”

“What?”

“Rejected my touch.”

Dean unclasped his hands, feeling a rush of disgust in himself. “Cas-”

“Does it make you uncomfortable?”

“No!”

Cas looked at him finally and everything about his features told Dean he was being _very_ careful. Feeding an ironclad control into every action. “Dean, if you’re not comfortable with this, you need to tell me. I need you to be completely honest.”

“What? I am being honest! Cas, I’m not uncomfortable.” 

“Then why do you always pull away? Is it just your parents? Do you not want them to know?”

And Dean could tell that he was losing something here. He’d loosened something in Cas and it was all slipping away right in front of him. “No, Cas. I mean- I’m not- I- I don’t… know,” he finally found the words in a whisper. “I don’t know what it is. I just can’t.”

Cas was eerily still for several seconds before swallowing and nodding his head like a decision had been made without Dean. “Okay then.” 

“Cas? What does that mean?” Dean was shaking, and his heart was beating so hard now it hurt. 

Cas gave him a gentle smile and Dean knew he was done for. “I think we jumped the gun here, Dean.”

“What?” Dean breathed, barely enough air in his lungs to make it audible.

“We thought we could pick up where we left off, but we should have know that wasn’t feasible. It’s been a long time.”

“Cas, no.”

Cas’s smile was still so sweet, so soft. It made Dean sick. “I’m not saying we just give up altogether, Dean. But it’s obvious this needs more time.” Cas laughed. “We need to put more thought into this, consider what we want out of this and if it’s what the other wants too.”

Dean wanted to claw at Cas, dig into his skin and never let go. Because Cas was trying to leave. This time Cas was leaving _him._

“I’m going to call it a night,” Cas said, tone still steady and measured. “I’ll see you tomorrow morning if you get back late. Don’t forget we have to wake up early to helping the wedding crew. Nine a.m.” And with another tight smile, Cas walked away.

He walked away from Dean.

_So this is how it felt._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts? Feelings?
> 
> Come talk to me on [Tumblr!](http://caslikescoffeeandfreckles.tumblr.com/)


	9. Nightmare

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was a busy morning for Dean but he couldn’t help being grateful for the work when it kept him far from Cas. 
> 
> He’d spotted the other man a couple times but Cas was mostly off with Jess’s mom and sister, putting together the gift bags and arranging the furniture in the house to better accommodate all the guests.
> 
> They never said a word to one another and Cas never looked his way.

The morning sun shined bright and warm on Dean but he couldn’t feel the heat even as his legs sweated under the blanket. He just watched the dust particles dance in the rays, careless and easy.

It took him an hour to finally drag himself out of bed and once he was on his feet he spent another ten minutes just staring at his door. 

He could hear Cas out there, shuffling about, singing to himself.

He reached for the doorknob just as Cas hit a particularly high note on some pop song and it made Dean’s heart swell. He stumbled away from the door, losing his nerve all over again.

Dean fled to his bathroom, praying a cold shower could calm him enough to do what he needed to do today. 

He felt like ice when he stepped out of the tub, teeth chattering, working through the motions of dressing himself with numb fingers until the door once again loomed in front of him. 

He had to do this. 

He twisted the knob and pulled it open.

Cas was dancing around the kitchen and he greeted Dean with a smile so open and loving it nearly knocked Dean out. He felt sick all over again, stomach churning violently.

“Good afternoon, sleepy head,” Cas teased. 

Dean mustered a ghost of a smile that Cas caught. He walked closer and Dean had an urge to run but his body couldn’t move. “Hey, you okay?”

No, everything is falling apart and I’m so sorry.

“You still feeling sick?”

It was the out Dean needed so he nodded. 

Cas’s eyes were wide with concern, hand coming to Dean’s shoulders. “Okay, well why don’t you go lay down again and I’ll fix you something to eat.” He began steering Dean back to his bedroom and Dean just went

He distantly heard Cas banging about in the kitchen again as he sat on his bed, trying to regain at least a few fragments of himself. 

“Hey, Dean? We don’t have any chicken broth so I’m gonna run to the store.” Cas appeared in Dean’s doorway. “Then I can make that chicken noodle soup you like. That okay?”

Again, Dean just nodded.

“Okay, I’ll be back in probably an hour. Call me if you need anything else.”

Cas began to walk away and a spike of adrenaline shot through Dean strong enough to make him shout. “Cas!”

Cas ran back into his room. “Yeah?”

Dean stared into his too-blue eyes, letting himself drown in them for a selfish moment. “Thank you.”

He tried to put every ounce of energy and sincerity into those two words and he hoped it was enough. He hoped Cas would understand everything Dean was thanking him for because the second the front door clicked shut Dean was shoving all of his things into his suitcase.

He was packed in twenty minutes and soon losing a fight with a blank sheet of paper.

What could he possibly say to make this easier for Cas?

~~Cas, I’m sorry~~

~~I didn’t want to leave this way~~

~~Please forgive me~~

~~Cas, I love you~~

Dean balled up the piece of paper and shoved it in his pocket. Cas deserved better than a note. 

He deserved better than anything Dean could give him.

So Dean just left. 

The airport bustle was lost on Dean. It was like he blinked and when his eyes opened again he was squeezed between two strangers on a plane.

He took a deep breath. It was going to be okay. Everything was going to be okay.

Cas would be okay. 

_Better off._

The plane lurched forward.

Dean clutched at his armrests as they began racing down the strip, going faster and faster until the bottom the plane seemed to drop from under them and they were in the air.

The plane’s shaking picked up and there something near the back was clanking and then there was a _bang._

Dean’s head jerked up because there was no way that was a good thing.

_Bang._

The plane rocked with the startling noise and Dean glanced around frantically, the other passengers seemingly oblivious to the sound. 

_Bang._

“What’s happening?” Dean shouted at one of the attendants. 

A woman with dark hair and blue eyes rushed toward him. “Sir, you need to calm down.”

_Bang._

“What’s that noise?” Dean yelled, struggling against his seatbelt. 

“There is no noise, sir.”

_Bang. Bang._

“Something’s wrong with this plane!” Dean screamed. “We have to get off! We have to go back!”

_Bang._

“We can’t go back, sir.”

_Bang._

“We’re going to die! We have to go back! Please, I want to go back!”

_Bang._

The woman’s tense smile slipped away, blue eyes dulling with a shadow of hurt that Dean didn’t understand but also somehow knew was his fault. 

_Bang._

“You can’t go back, sir.”

_Bang._

Suddenly those blue eyes were ripped away and Dean’s stomach jumped into his throat as they began falling. His scream was lost in a symphony of dozens and the consistent banging that just got heavier and faster. 

_Bang._

“Cas!”

_Bang._

“Castiel!”

_Bang._

*****  
Dean’s eyes shot open with a sharp inhale. He looked around wildly, taking in the blue of the comforter, the white walls, hardwood floors. Ceiling fan.

Room. Bedroom. Not a plane.

Dean let out a shaky breath and went to brush his sweat soaked hair out of his face. 

He was okay. Everything was okay.

_Bang._

Dean jumped into a sitting position, breath catching again.

_Bang._

He threw the covers off and darted out of his room. The noise echoed through the house as he descended the stairs and followed it out back where he came to a screeching halt.

The back porch was busy with people running around with tools in their hands, large white tarps draped over the railing. 

“Excuse me!”

Dean jumped out of the way as a man came up from behind him carrying a long table.

_Bang._

The noise drew Dean’s eyes to a group of workers on the beach. He watched as a man took a large hammer and bounced it off a stake, hitting it until it was buried securely in the sand.

“I need all those tables set up in the tent so we can start setting out the flower arrangements.”

Mary’s voice carried to Dean and he wandered further outside to stand beside his mother as she gave orders.

She finished with someone and turned to Dean with a big smile. “Well, we didn’t think you were ever going to wake up.”

Dean tried to work up a smile of his own but he still felt disoriented from his dream and all the loud noise. “Uh, yeah, sorry. Why didn’t someone try to wake me up?”

“We’ve only been here for a half hour, baby. It’s not that big a deal. But now that you’re awake, I can put you to work.”

“Yeah, sure. Anything you need.”

Dean was close to regretting those words four hours later when he was tired and sweaty and so damn hungry. His mother had him going nonstop, from helping to pitch the tent to making flower arrangements and setting the tables, stringing lights. 

It was a busy morning for Dean but he couldn’t help being grateful for the work when it kept him far from Cas. 

He’d spotted the other man a couple times but Cas was mostly off with Jess’s mom and sister, putting together the gift bags and arranging the furniture in the house to better accommodate all the guests.

They never said a word to one another and Cas never looked his way.

And every time he didn’t look, Dean’s stomach got a little tighter, thinking about his dream.

They day Dean left.

No, the day Dean ran. They day he broke two hearts.

And it hurt to have to admit that. So he just turned back to his task at hand and did his best to ignore it.

But around 2:30, Dean finally had to take a break. He fled to the kitchen, careful not to let his mother see him, and poked around the fridge from something to eat. He ended up heating up a bowl of leftover twice-baked potato casserole and hopped up on the counter with a breath of relief.

He was only a few bites in when another loud sigh came from the doorway and Dean looked up as Cas walked in looking tired and beaten down.

Dean choked a bit on the food in his mouth and Cas turned startled eyes on him. His face instantly fell into something sad and awkward and Dean _hated_ it. Hated knowing it was his fault. 

“H-hey, Cas.”

Cas swallowed. “Hello, Dean.”

“Um, hungry?”

Cas nodded once. “Yes.”

Dean slid from the counter. He didn’t know what to do with Cas and Cas certainly wasn’t making it easy. But Dean could at least make the man something to eat.

“I, ugh, I just heated up some of the leftover potatoes. That okay with you?”

“Yes, please. That would be perfect.”

Dean set into motion, taking the container from the fridge again, dishing it into a bowl and placing it in the microwave.

He turned back around. Cas was still standing close to the doorway. They didn’t look at each other, just around one another as the microwave hummed.

When it dinged they both jumped and Dean pulled the bowl out and grabbed a spoon, placing it on the counter a safe distance between the two of them. 

Cas approached slowly, still not looking at Dean.

They ate in eerie silence. Dean couldn’t taste his food anymore. The potatoes seemed to thicken in his throat and he could barely swallow.

Dean wanted to say something. 

He wanted to apologize, tell Cas that he was wrong, that they could do this, but then Cas’s words echo in his ears.

_This needs more time._

_Consider what we want out of this._

And Dean didn’t really know what he wanted. He thought he wanted Cas. 

_So why did you pull away?_

Dean opened his mouth. “Cas, I-”

“Dean!”

They both jumped again as Mary stomped into the kitchen, looking flustered and a bit manic. Her eyes zeroed in on Dean. “There you are! You need to go get cleaned up! Groomsmen photos are in an hour.” And with that, Mary was gone.

Dean set his bowl in the sink. Cas still hadn’t moved and he wasn’t eating anymore when Dean turned around.

One last time.

“Cas-”

“Go get ready, Dean.” Cas’s voice was soft and he looked up at Dean, meeting his eyes for the first time all day. Dean saw the hurt even through Cas’s thin smile. “Don’t keep the groom waiting.”


	10. If stars could talk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas had made it pretty clear that he didn’t want to talk. He’d disappeared all night and Dean could take a damn hint. If Cas didn’t want to try, if he didn’t want to take the risk again, Dean would respect that. It was the least he could do at this point.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE READ THE TAGS. This chapter does contain nsfw content so please read the tags to make sure you'll be comfortable. Enjoy :)

A cold shower did little to relax Dean and, just like in his dream, he dressed himself with numb fingers, pushing himself through the motions of tucking his shirt, tying his polished shoes, looping his tie.

It was a long walk outside, an annoying itch in the back of his head nagging him of a mistake he was making with every breath he took. 

But he breathed through it. 

He reached the sand and tried to have a moment with the ocean. Oceans usually calmed people right? They were relaxing or something.

He stared at the water, focusing on that line where one void met the other. It was all so still and so… 

Blue.

Dean’s eyes flicked away on instinct. _Dammit._

“Nice weather we’re having, huh?”

Dean spun around and smiled weakly at Sam. “Good day to get married.”

“Yeah.” Sam dug his hands into the pockets of his pants, ducked his head, all at once looking like the awkward kid Dean had spent his life teasing and protecting.

This kid was getting married. His baby brother.

And hell, there Dean was panicking about oceans and blue eyes and decade-old regrets.

Today wasn’t the day for that.

It was Sam’s day.

Dean stepped forward to clap a steady hand to Sam’s shoulder. “Hey, it’s gonna be okay, Sammy. You’re about to have the best day of your life.”

Sam nodded and released a shaky breath. “Yeah. You’re right.”

Dean squeezed, bombarded by a swell of pride and a need to make this all better. “It’ll be perfect, Sam. You’ll see. Unless Jess decides to run for it.”

The punch was quick and hard and Dean just laughed it off as Sam tried to scowl at him. 

“Boys, no roughhousing!” Mary yelled and both men turned to attention. Their mother was giving her no-nonsense glare. “Listen to the photographer.”

They spent the next twenty minutes modeling for the camera, alternating between classic and funny poses with a few candids tossed in whenever Sam laughed at one of Dean’s dumb jokes or petty comments on the photographer’s technique. Mary and John jumped in a few of them and they pretended as a family like they weren’t all about to combust or cry.

After photos, Sam and Dean were locked in the house so Jess and Ashley could have their time and Dean went to fetch his own camera. 

Sam was sitting on the corner of the bed, staring at the floor with a lost expression. He looked up when he heard the shutter. Dean snapped another.

“What are you doing? We just had our pictures taken.”

“Yeah, but not by me.” Dean grinned and took another of Sam’s bitch face. “That’s profile picture material.”

“Jerk.”

“It’s your wedding day, so I won’t call you a bitch.”

“How kind of you,” Sam sneered.

Dean shrugged. “What can I say? You were blessed with an amazing big brother.”

“Ehh, I’d say about average.”

“Watch it, Samantha.”

Sam chuckled, shaking his head in a way that said he was done with the conversation. His next breath was long, contemplative. “Are you and Cas okay?”

It was like being doused with cold water, the warmth of Dean’s smile slipping away. “W-why are you asking?”

The bitch face was back. “You really think I didn’t notice how he just disappeared at the rehearsal dinner? You were both acting funny.”

It was just like Sam to be paying attention to something other than himself or his fiancée during his own rehearsal dinner. Dean wanted to kick himself for even distracting his brother during such an important time. He should have been more careful.

He tried now, breathing slowly before he answered. “We’re fine, Sam.”

“Dean, you don’t have to lie. Did something happen?”

And this was even more like Sam. Always digging into other people’s business. “It’s not important right now, dude. You’re about to get married.”

“The rest of the world doesn’t stop for one man’s wedding.”

_When did this little shit get so wise?_ Dean wondered. “It should feel like it though. Look, I appreciate the concern, but now’s not the time.” Dean tried to draw upon his best big brother voice. “This is your day so we’re going to focus on you.” 

Sam didn’t look happy but he lamented and they sat in silence for a few minutes before a knock finally came. “It’s time, boys,” their father called through the door.

The two brothers jumped to their feet, Dean moving in front of Sam and lifting his camera. “Okay. Sam Winchester, you’re about to marry Jessica Moore. How do you feel?”

Sam’s annoyed expression crumbled into something thoughtful and gentle, his eyes glistening and a smile so small but speaking of great emotion. Something pure and endless. 

Dean snapped the photo.

“Like I’m already late.”

A few minutes later Dean was walking Ashley down the aisle and all he could think about was how amazing this moment was. 

The wedding march began and he watched with misty eyes as his brother completely unraveled at the sight of his future wife walking toward them. Sam was shaking but the second Mr. Moore placed Jess’s hand in his, all was still. There wasn’t a peep from the audience or the birds overhead. Even the sea seemed to acknowledge that this was no time for nonsense.

The world fell silent for Sam and Jess as they made promises and vows of devotion.

All the sound came rushing back the moment their lips parted and Dean didn’t even bother trying to hide his tears.

The wedding guests slowly wandered into the reception tent. Wine bottles were uncorked and the time for tears was over. 

Everything was fine until it was time for speeches and not for the first time Dean asked himself why he had allowed them to talk him into more than one. Honestly, how many times could they expect Dean to bare his heart?

He stood from the wedding party’s table and clinked his champagne glass. All eyes turned on him and he swallowed thickly. 

_Should have had more wine._

“H-hello. Um, thank you for joining us tonight to celebrate Sam and Jess. I don’t know how many of you know the story of how Sam and Jess met.” He instantly heard groans and a few fits of laughter and couldn’t help turning a cocky grin of the couple. “Sam was running late to class for probably the first time in his life and he, ugh, he was sneaking in through a side door, hoping to just grab the seat at the end of the row and he wasn’t looking and he almost-”

It was, of course, in that moment that Dean’s eyes landed of Cas sitting near the rear of the tent. 

Gorgeous Cas in his gray suit and blue tie that complimented his eyes so well, Dean could practically catch their glow from across the room.

Beautiful, kind Cas who was looking at Dean so… softly. It was in his eyes, the curve of his smile, the tilt of his head.

Brokenhearted Cas who Dean had disappointed once again after they’d almost had something. After they’d almost taken back what Dean had robbed them of. 

Almost.

It was always almost with them, like they were trapped in a wormhole constantly running circles around one another with outstretched hands that could never quite… reach.

Like it was never meant to be. 

But they were here now, weren’t they? 

He could see Cas. He was just a few meters away, chairs and tables the only obstacles keeping them from touching. They’d touched just yesterday, kissed and felt peace for the first time in years. 

Somehow they’d made the decisions that would lead them to this moment, this week of wedding preparations and apologies, almost like-

Someone hit Dean’s thigh and he jolted, suddenly aware that he hadn’t spoken in quite a while. “Um, he-he almost sat on her.”

There was laughter, slow to form and he caught a few odd looks, including Cas’s who appeared worried. 

“He almost sat on her,” Dean repeated. “But you know, Sam also almost didn’t sign up for that class. He almost picked a different time for it. He almost decided to go to Columbia and Jess almost went with Duke. I know that may sound odd, but a friend of mine pointed out the other night how amazing it is to fall in love with someone when there were so many chances for you to never meet.” He met Cas’s eyes just in time to watch them round. “He said that one decision out of infinity could change the entire course of your life.” 

Cas’s face was an unintelligible mix of emotions. Shock, fear, doubt. Dean wanted to cross the room to ease Cas, to apologize and make new promises that he was keep this time. 

But he had to finish this first.

“There were endless ways to keep Sam and Jess from ever meeting, but somehow they beat every one of them. They both chose to enroll at Stanford and for the same eight a.m. mythology class. Sam chose to ignore his alarm clock so he was late and he chose to sit in the same seat Jess was already sitting in. They made it to each other somehow, made all the right decisions that led them right here, to this day and I couldn’t think of two better people to master fate the way they have.”

Dean broke his gaze away from Cas to smile at his brother and sister-in-law. “I hope you both continue to make the right choices that keep you happy and together. To Sam and Jess.”

All plans to run after Cas once the speeches ended were dashed when the music began. He kept getting pulled into hugs with distant relatives and pictures with the bridal party. He danced with Jess, his mother, Jess’s mother, both of his grandmothers. 

By the time Dean was able to escape he couldn’t find Cas. The other man wasn’t in the tent or the house and Dean was at a loss.

Maybe he was too late.

And he would live with that. 

The reception started to calm down around midnight and by one in the morning most of the guests were gone. Dean saw Sam and Jess off to airport before returning to help with the cleaning. 

“Dean.”

He looked up, stacking the last of the reception chairs for pick up later in the morning. He smiled at his mother who had finally changed out of her dress and the heels she’d been cursing all day.

“Hey. You and Dad getting out of here?”

“Yeah, we’re both exhausted. And I’m sure you are too.”

Dean waved her worry away. “I’m fine, Mom.”

“Dean, it’s almost two in the morning.”

“I just want to make sure there isn’t too much to do in the morning.”

“Dean.”

The difference in tone was slight, but it was enough to make Dean stop. Mary’s smile was too wise and Dean knew he was about to hear something he needed but didn’t want. 

“Honey, you can’t just keep yourself distracted and hope the world will start spinning without you. You’ve been doing it for nine years, and it’s clear that it hasn’t worked.”

“Mom-”

“Talk to him, sweetie. Don’t shortchange yourself this time.” She patted his cheek. “I’ll see you in the morning.”

He watched his mother leave and stood alone in the sand, stunned beyond comprehension.

_Talk to him._

Cas had made it pretty clear that he didn’t want to talk. He’d disappeared all night and Dean could take a damn hint. If Cas didn’t want to try, if he didn’t want to take the risk again, Dean would respect that. It was the least he could do at this point.

Dean blinked at the piles of chairs, gaze sweeping over the remaining mess.

It could wait. He was done here.

Dean trekked through the sand up to the porch, popping the buttons of his shirt as he went. He just wanted to fall into bed and forget all about this week.

Tomorrow he’d pack his bags and be on his way across an ocean where he’d be safe again. 

_Hell, just leave tonight._

He swallowed thickly, eyes drifting up to the dark house that seemed so unwelcoming all of a sudden. 

Tonight. That would probably be for the best.

“Dean.”

He startled at the shadowed voice, looking around wildly for an owner or, hell, a damn demon with a voice that deep.

“Oh, sorry.” Cas stepped forward on the deck, hands held out like he was prepared to catch Dean.

Dean breathed out harshly, hand pressed to his chest. “Dammit Cas.”

“Sorry,” Cas said again, his hands slowly lowering as Dean recovered. “I didn’t mean to scare you. I was just…”

“Hanging out in the dark at two a.m.?” Dean offered icily. 

He caught the glint of a bitter smile. “Yeah. Technically.” Cas’s eyes swept up to meet Dean’s and he looked apprehensive, like he already regretted his next words. “Nice speech.”

Dean’s heart stuttered. “Th-thanks.”

Cas nodded solemnly. “You finally heading to bed?”

“Um, no.” Cas’s head tilted, silently asking Dean to elaborate. “I, ugh, I was actually going to go ahead and, um, leave. Tonight.”

Cas went still, his body unnervingly rigid. Dean studied his face, unable to read a single emotion or thought in Cas’s eyes.

Then Cas blinked into motion, leaning away from Dean and slipping his hands into his pockets. “I see. Should I, ugh… Would you like a ride to the airport or should I call you a cab?” His voice began strong but Dean heard the waver, the way Cas’s voice broke near the end as if it pained him to offer help.

“I think I should take a cab.”

Cas just nodded, his body already angling away like he couldn’t face Dean and say goodbye. “Then, ugh, I hope you have a great flight.”

Dean tried to work up a smile, but he just didn’t have it in him to lie in a moment like this. “Thanks, Cas.”

It hurt when Dean turned around, like there was something in his chest pushing against his bones, scratching his veins. Every step felt a little like he was falling and he had to stop, just inside the house. 

“What bad decision did we make?”

Cas’s voice carried distantly, so soft Dean wasn’t sure if he was meant to have heard it. But he did and Cas’s question made him ache.

When Den turned, Cas had his head tilted back, gazing at the night sky for answers Dean could only wish were there. 

“I don’t think it was something _we_ did,” Dean tried to answer. “It was just-”

“Don’t say ‘me.’” Cas faced him finally, eyes determined but resigned all at once. “Please.”

“But it was me. _I_ left _you._ I’m the one who hurt you.” Dean could feel the frustration pumping through his veins, making him shake. “I ran from you and I’ve just… kept running and I’ve hated myself every day for it.”

Cas rolled his eyes, an impatient hand gesturing for Dean to stop. “But do you ever stop to ask yourself why you ran? Why you are _still_ running?”

“Because you terrify me, Cas! Because you’re perfect. Perfect, wonderful, brilliant Castiel who deserves the world and I can’t give it to you. I-I’m a wreck.” He gestured down his body for emphasis. “I-I cuss too much. I eat horrible food. I’m cynical and I use too much sarcasm. I never talk about feelings, I lie constantly, my legs are weird and my-my heart doesn’t even work right.” Dean breathed raggedly, like that last point took everything he had. “It’s broken, Cas. I’m broken.”

Two large hands encompassed Dean’s face, angling his head up to meet fearsome blue eyes. “You are not broken, Dean Winchester. You have and always will be perfect to me. You are generous and protective. You are nurturing and hilarious. You lie to preserve others’ feelings because you are selfless. You are gorgeous in body and soul. You are everything I don’t deserve, but you make me want to try to be good enough.”

Dean felt like he was choking on Cas’s praise, his body physically incapable of accepting them. “Cas…” 

“I have faults too. I know that I’m pushy,” Cas continued. “I know I probably come on too strong in many respects and my expectations for us were too high. If I scared you away, it’s just as much my fault as yours because I should have seen it. I should have noticed that it was too much, too soon and I should have given you the time you needed instead of trying to push you into something you clearly weren’t ready for. I ignored your needs and I failed you and I am sorry, Dean.” He took a shuttering breath. “Can you ever forgive me?”

Dean looked dazedly at Cas, already shaking his head because, no, this just sounded so wrong. “Cas, you aren’t-”

“Yes I am.” Cas’s hands slid up on Dean’s face. “I am.”

“I… I forgive you, Cas.” The words felt thick on Dean’s tongue but he could feel the relief in his chest as he said them. “I forgive you.”

Cas’s eyes were watery and, oh god, he was shaking. “I know this is kinda hypocritical of what I just said, but, Dean, please don’t leave.”

Dean shook his head immediately, like his mind had been made up hours ago. “I’m not. Never again.”

When they kissed this time, they were still trembling and it was tricky for their lips to meet but when they did… Dean swore he felt stars die.

It started soft and slow but all it took was one hitched breath for the heat to kick in. Hands got involved, kneading and grabbing and pulling, like they were both trying to pull the other into their body.

Dean didn’t remember the walk into the house or up the stairs but Cas pulled away suddenly and Dean was blinking at Cas’s bedroom door. Cas pushed it open, stepped inside. He offered a hand and Dean didn’t hesitate to take it and allow himself to pulled into the room.

He distantly registered the wall of windows that framed the dark ocean and gave passage to the moonlight igniting Cas’s room. He didn’t catch the color of the blanket as he was lowered onto a soft bed but he reveled in it’s softness as Cas removed his tux one piece at a time.

Dean returned the favor moments later, fingers lingering over every patch of skin he bared to just his eyes and the stars. Cas’s muscles twitched and tightened under Dean’s feather light touches and it made Dean oddly giddy. He began following up his touches with kisses, all across the wide expanse of Cas’s shoulders, his corded forearms, flat belly, and his gorgeous thick thighs. 

Dean’s kisses slowly neared Cas’s groin, Cas tensing with every gentle press of the lips until Dean reached the base of his cock and he released a loud whine.

Cas was never given a moment to relax because next Dean was taking him in his mouth. Cas was heavy and salty on his tongue and Dean loved it, loved the way Cas’s hands twisted in his hair like his body couldn’t decide if he want to pull Dean off or push him further.

In the end, he didn’t have to decide, because Dean rose off him with one last kitten lick to the tip before shimmying up Cas’s body to nibble at his throat.

“Dean, please,” Cas panted.

“What, Cas?” Dean whispered into his ear, riding a new kind of high at hearing Cas beg. “What do you want?”

“I want you inside me.”

Cas’s words were rough and quiet and almost the complete undoing of Dean.

Somehow he held himself together and gave a shaky nod. “Okay, Cas. Okay.”

Cas wiggled free to dig through his bedside table drawer, withdrawing a bottle of lube and a condom. 

Dean couldn’t help the blush that colored his cheeks. It just felt weird to see Cas like this, regardless of how long he’d fantasized about it. It almost felt like he was intruding, crossing some kind of line, like he was far in over his head here.

“Dean? Are you okay?” Cas asked gently, obviously noticing Dean’s withdrawal. “Do you want to stop?”

“No.” Dean’s answer was immediate, confident. “No. I just can’t believe this is happening.” Bemused laughter choked out of him. “I never thought…”

Cas’s hand circled Dean’s wrist, brought it to rest on his thigh while his other slipped behind Dean’s neck. “It’s happening,” he whispered, lowering Dean’s head until their foreheads touched. “So just be here. With me.”

And how could Dean deny such a request?

It took every ounce of strength he had to open Cas slowly. He knew they were both wound up so tightly, it would be easy to just snap and take each other fast and rough, to bite instead of kiss, to bruise instead of learning a new body. 

Maybe one day they could because they had time. For once, they finally had time.

But now, they just needed to reassure one another, to love and treasure and apologize in physical words that could only be spoken in these sacred moments behind closed doors. 

Dean felt Cas tense when he lined his cock up and he bent to kiss Cas again, licking down to the sensitive spot just below the blue-eyed man’s ear. The second his teeth made contact, Cas’s body melted and he pressed inside.

Cas cried out, his legs instantly tightening around Dean to hold him in place. He made it difficult for Dean to pull back and Dean chuckled in his ear. “Cas, I have to be able to move.”

Cas’s answering moan was almost too much but his legs eased up a bit so Dean could pull his hips back. “Please,” he whimpered, hips working against the bed. “Please, Dean.”

Dean thrust back down to the hilt, starting a slow, gentle pace that gave him all the time he needed to marvel at how hot Cas was, how beautiful he looked tossing his head back and on forth on the bed like he was barely keeping a grip on his last thread of sanity. 

Time seemed to move with them, thick and subdued, in no rush to greet the next hour. It was theirs to stop, to suspend and draw out as if making up for the years of lost time in these pleasured minutes.

And when neither Dean nor Cas could pace themselves a moment more, when the thrusts synced with their quick breaths and the hands of the clock began spinning away like the beat of Dean's heart, when Dean watched the eyes of his best friend shoot wide and heard ecstasy in his own name, Dean figured that, yeah, it had been worth it.


	11. Breakfast

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What was it like to wake up next to someone you loved?
> 
> Was it a moment of poetry where relief floods your sleep-heavy body and you saw divinity in the way the morning sunlight kisses your beloved’s naked shoulder?
> 
> Was it a sense of coming home, being swaddled in the kind of comfort only provided in the four walls you built around yourselves to keep your love in and the cold out?
> 
> _No,_ Dean decided. _It’s fucking terrifying._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Check the tags please because there is more nsfw content in this chapter and a bit of a scare. And let me know what you think!

What was it like to wake up next to someone you loved?

Was it a moment of poetry where relief floods your sleep-heavy body and you saw divinity in the way the morning sunlight kisses your beloved’s naked shoulder?

Was it a sense of coming home, being swaddled in the kind of comfort only provided in the four walls you built around yourselves to keep your love in and the cold out?

_No,_ Dean decided. _It’s fucking terrifying._

He’d been watching Cas sleep for at least ten minutes, still recovering from the shock he’d felt when his eyes had opened and focused on that mop of dark hair.

Cas.

He was in Cas’s bed. Those were Cas’s legs tangled with his and Cas’s hand resting on his hip. 

Cas’s lips that had pressed into his skin last night, left marks along his collar. Cas’s fingers that had dug into his flesh while they moved and melded.

This was a morning after. 

And like every morning after Dean had ever experienced it came with a moment of panic and a flood of questions. Should he stay or go? Did he want to stay? Should he make breakfast or was that weird? Or was it rude not to? If he left did he do it now or wait until they woke up?

But he knew most of the answers this time. 

He should stay. He wanted to stay because it was Cas. He finally had Cas and he wanted to stay and make breakfast for him. He wanted to surprise Cas with scrambled eggs and blueberry pancakes and fresh orange juice. He wanted to bring it to Cas in bed and wait impatiently until he was done so he could kiss the citrus taste from his mouth.

That’s what he wanted. 

But what did Cas want?

That’s when the moment became terrifying. Because Cas had said they needed more time, they needed to go slower. Maybe breakfast was too fast. Maybe watching him wake up was too soon. 

Maybe he should leave and come back later.

Cas started to stir then as if he could sense Dean’s intention to flee. His fingers flexed against Dean’s hip, kneading the flesh as his eyes closed tighter against consciousness. 

He put up a good fight for about thirty seconds before those eyes were blinking open.

Dean’s breath caught as they made eye contact. He prepared for Cas to frown, to look confused, to ask Dean what the hell he was doing in his bed.

But instead he smiled. It was such a lazy turn of lips, so easy and relaxed and perfectly content as he wiggled closer to Dean and kissed his throat. “Good morning, Dean.”

Dean’s heart faltered, still beating fanatically but he felt calmer as Cas’s kisses squashed every worry he had worked up.

“’Morning, Cas.”

Cas yawned into Dean’s chest and it tickled. “How long have you been awake?”

“Just a few minutes,” Dean lied. 

Cas moved back far enough that he could look at Dean’s face. That lazy smile was still there and, dammit, Dean’s heart just wouldn’t calm down. “You’re beautiful.”

The pace seemed to pick up and Dean turned red. “C-Cas…”

“Sorry. I just needed to say it. You look like you’ve been thinking of something unpleasant.”

This man was too damn smart. Or he just knew Dean too damn well. 

“No, not really,” Dean hedged. “Just breakfast.”

Cas quirked a brow. “Breakfast? Thinking of breakfast put that look on your face?”

“What look?”

“Like you’re ready to run for it.” Dean didn’t miss the drop in Cas’s tone, the hurt. 

Dean circled his arms around Cas and pulled him against his front, slid a leg between Cas’s, trying to touch him from top to bottom the way they both needed. “I’m not going to run,” he promised, ashamed the thought had even crossed his mind. “I was wondering if it would be moving too fast to cook you breakfast.”

“Of course not, Dean.” Cas tilted his head up to meet Dean’s eyes. His fingers were tracing circles on Dean’s back. “I know I said we needed time, but I don’t want you to make yourself sick thinking this way. I’m ready to take whatever you will give me, and for today if that’s breakfast, I will eat it happily.”

Dean hid a kiss in Cas’s hair. “You’re too good for me.” He said it but it didn’t hold the normal amount of self-loathing. His stomach was turning for once and he didn’t feel like hiding. 

And Cas didn’t try to shush him or argue with him because he was aware of the change. But something hot sparked in his eyes and he grinned. “Baby, you ain’t seen nothin’ yet.”

Dean laughed as Cas pushed him down, crawling on top of him to straddle his hips. “Bachman Turner Overdrive? Really, Cas?”

“Mmm, I have no idea what you just said to me,” Cas said as his lips worked down Dean’s neck. “But, yes, really.”

Dean gasped when Cas’s teeth caught on his earlobe. “I-it’s the name of the- of the band who — _oh, god_ — who wrote the s-song.”

Cas’s tongue ran over Dean’s ear, making him tense. “Dean?”

“Y-yes?”

“I don’t care who wrote the song.”

And Dean didn’t really care anymore either.

Cas was grinding against him as he continued to work his magic with his tongue and Dean’s skin felt so charged and sensitive, he was already shaking and his heart was absolutely erratic. He’d never experience anything this intense but he figured he’d never experienced Cas like this. 

It was so new and unexpected, like he was finally seeing the barely contained wild Cas was always tamping down.

He wanted to see all of it, feel it imprinted in his bones. 

“Cas.”

Cas turned his face to kiss the corner of Dean’s mouth. “Yes, Dean?”

“I want you…” Dean didn’t know how to finish the request. 

_I want you to fuck me?_ They were both aware they were doing far more than fucking in this instance. 

_I want you to make love to me?_ Fuck that. 

He just wanted to be with Cas.

“I want you,” he said again, but with no words ghosting the end, nothing left unsaid. Just the truth.

And if Cas’s answering kiss was anything to go by, he understood perfectly. 

Cas tore away and grabbed the lube off the nightstand. When he resettled between Dean’s legs he paused, the moment slowed. “Have you ever done this before?”

Dean nodded and willed his body to relax as Cas’s hands ran down the length of his legs. He jumped a bit when he felt Cas’s lips press into the flesh of his inner thigh, leaving a cool trail of kisses in his wake.

He felt Cas’s breath stutter as the man chuckled and Dean raised his head to find Cas grinning.

“What?” he asked, a drop of worry coloring his tone.

Cas shook his head, trying to hide his smirk. “Last night… You said your legs were funny.”

Dean fought the instinct to draw his legs closed. “Well, they’re not quite straight.”

“So they suit their owner.”

“Oh, fuck off,” Dean said and kicked Cas in the side.

Cas laughed and tried to regain his composure, hands stroking Dean’s thighs. “I’m sorry,” he said, catching his breath. “But I do thing you were wrong.” The mirth in his eyes turned into heat and it stole Dean’s breath looking into the blue fire as Cas began kissing his inner thigh again, drawing closer and closer to Dean’s groin. “I think they’re perfect.” He bit and Dean’s back arched off the bed.

The second he was down, Cas’s mouth was closing around his cock, finger circling his hole and it was like floating in endless pleasure. He couldn’t regain his breath, couldn’t calm the flock of hummingbirds in his chest.

Cas’s finger slowly made its way inside and everything stilled for a moment, allowed Dean to adjust to the intrusion. Cas soothed him by taking his cock deeper and after a few seconds began moving his finger, never pushing beyond Dean’s limits, just building Dean’s pleasure until they could take the next step together.

Dean’s breathing was ragged by the time Cas had three fingers grinding against his prostate and his nerves felt shot. It was so intense, almost too much, but they were so close. Dean couldn’t stop it. He didn’t want to stop it. 

“You okay?” Cas asked, brows knitted together in concern. 

Dean nodded quickly. “Y-yeah. Just really intense.”

The pressure in his chest continued to build as Cas lined his cock up with Dean’s hole and easily pushed inside. Dean felt so full and sated but ravenous at the same time, wanting more and more of what his body was telling him he couldn’t take. 

Because every thrust of pleasure was being met with an immeasurable amount of pain. 

He just… he couldn’t breathe. Cas was taking his breath away with every movement and it was like his hands were digging into Dean’s chest, choking his heart.

“Dean?” 

Cas’s voice sounded so far away. He opened his eyes to look for him but everything was blurry. Was he crying?

“Dean, are you okay?” Cas’s voice was stronger this time and his face hovered over Dean’s. All the heat was gone. They weren’t moving anymore but Dean was still aching. 

“Cas-” He could barely pant the word, couldn’t get enough air for the syllable. 

Cas’s fingers pressed to his pulse point and Dean tried to draw a breath in. 

Suddenly, Cas was jumping back, completely separating himself from Dean’s body. “You’re about to go into cardiac arrest.” 

Dean couldn’t answer. He felt like he was falling, vision fading fast.

“…on, Dean… Hold on… Please…”

Then it was gone.


	12. I Know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He’d been asking for Cas for days but hadn’t been allowed to see him since the incident because non-family members weren’t allowed in the ER. But even through all the prodding and the endless tests and questions, Dean could sense him. He knew Cas was always close, just on the other side of some wall.
> 
> And now there he was, just inches away, and Dean felt like he couldn’t touch him. Cas was just standing there like a statue, his emotions masked by the stony set of his jaw, the tense raise of his shoulders. He was trying so hard to look calm but it was an act falling apart at the seams.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am sincerely sorry for taking far too long to update this fic. But I wrote myself into a bit of a hole in the last chapter. I'm hoping that by posting this I can finally fight past this writer's block and get this fic finished.

Dean had always hated the hospital.

He hated the way they smelled, the way the halls either echoed with the sounds of unbridled chaos or the somber hum of someone’s final moments. 

He hated the way people looked at him in his thin gown and all the machines plugged into his body. He didn’t want to see their pity or confusion. 

He didn’t want to be reminded that there was something wrong with him.

But there he sat on a scratchy hospital bed, parents just a few feet away as some strange doctor rattled off his newest numbers.

They weren’t good. They hadn’t been great for a while, but now they weren’t… good.

He caught his mom’s glances, saw the barely restrained anger darkening her blue eyes. 

He studied the defeated set of his father’s shoulders, the way his hands turned to fists in his pockets.

He was really in for it.

“…with these test results and Mr. Winchester’s life style, I think it’s time to seriously consider an ICD.”

The doctor’s suggestion cut through Dean’s rising guilt. “No.”

All eyes turned to him. “Mr. Winchester, it’s your safest option to make sure you never advance to this stage again.”

Dean shook his head firmly. “No.”

Mary frowned at him before turning back to the doctor. “We’ve been trying to talk to him about it for a few years now. He won’t budge.”

“You’re not putting a machine in my chest so it can fucking shock me,” Dean protested.

“Mr. Winchester, I understand your concerns,” the doctor began. “But your heart rate is becoming increasingly irregular. With a job that requires so much travel, particularly in places with limited access to medical facilities, I really believe this is your best option.”

“Then I’ll quit travelling,” Dean said. 

“Dean, you need to think about this,” Mary nearly growled.

“It’s not happening,” Dean gritted out.

“You’re talking about giving up your career, son,” John said.

Dean swallowed, the heaviness of that realization settling over him. Giving up travelling meant settling down somewhere. Probably back in the States. It meant working in commercial photography or some small town paper that barely had a photography budget.

“Is that really what you want, Dean?” Mary asked and her tone had gone soft again. 

He looked up his parents and every piece of resolve he had crumbled. His mouth opened and closed but he couldn’t give them an answer, couldn’t work out anything but a ragged, “I don’t know.”

The silence that soaked through the room was stifling. Finally, Dr. Elliot coughed. “I understand that this is a huge decision for you. I’ll give you more time to think about it. A nurse will be in soon to take your vitals again.”

The man stepped away, coat swaying behind him. “Wait, doc,” Dean called.

Dr. Elliot raised a brow in answer.

Dean swallowed roughly again. “Can I… can I please see him?”

Understanding dawned on Dr. Elliot’s face in the shape of a grim smile that held no promises. “I’ll see what I can do.”

The door closed with a sharp click and Mary took a deep breath.

“Dean-”

“Don’t,” Dean said, voice soft. “Mom, please. Just don’t.”

She nodded like she understood what he was really asking for. “We’ll give you some time, okay? We need to update Sam and the others.” She squeezed his hand. “But you call us if you need anything.”

All he could do was nod and he felt the kiss she left in his hair, felt his father’s broad hand as it patted his leg and they moved out of the room, hand in hand, and he was alone for what felt like the first time in hours.

Alone with his entire future weighing on his chest. There were too many questions, too many concerns and what-ifs and he just didn’t have the strength to process them. Couldn’t bare the thought of some of them. 

It was too much and he didn’t know where to begin.

“Dean?”

He looked up immediately, just the sound of that voice flooding his body with an energy he hadn’t known in days. It made his chest jump and his fingers curl and every nerve ending in body screamed to touch as Cas’s familiar shape came into view.

“Cas,” was all he could breathe as the rumbled man moved closer. “You’re here.”

He’d been asking for Cas for days but hadn’t been allowed to see him since the incident because non-family members weren’t allowed in the ER. But even through all the prodding and the endless tests and questions, Dean could sense him. He knew Cas was always close, just on the other side of some wall.

And now there he was, just inches away, and Dean felt like he couldn’t touch him. Cas was just standing there like a statue, his emotions masked by the stony set of his jaw, the tense raise of his shoulders. He was trying so hard to look calm but it was an act falling apart at the seams.

“Cas-”

“We don’t have very long,” Cas broke in, not even looking at Dean.

“What?”

“I’m not supposed to be back here, but the nurses are keeping watch for the director.” 

His tone was so cold and clipped, the words felt like needles in Dean’s skin. 

“Cas, please”

“I saw your numbers.”

The words threw Dean off balance for a second and he reared back. “What? How did you-?”

Cas stared at the wall behind Dean’s head robotically. “I work here. Dr. Elliot is a colleague.”

“And he let you look at my numbers?” Dean couldn’t help a tinge of anger because that information was supposed to be confidential, between Dean, his doctor, and whoever Dean decided needed to know. But the flame withered quickly because it was Cas. 

Cas was definitely on a need-to-know basis now. The other night had sealed it.

“Yes,” Cas answered, not an ounce of shame in his tone. “And we’re both concerned because they suggest prolonged trauma.” Cas swallowed and finally met Dean’s eyes. “How long have you been in a hot phase, Dean?”

A lie was quick to lift Dean’s tongue but he saw the way Cas’s hands were shaking, how his fingers kept curling against his side and he bit it back. “About a week before my flight here.”

A sharp curse sprung from Cas’s mouth and he looked away again, body angling back toward the door as if he was going to walk out of Dean’s life out of sheer frustration. 

“Cas, I’m sor-”

“Don’t!” Cas snapped and whirled around. Dean caught the tears in his eyes and they crushed him. “Don’t apologize. Y-you…” He sucked in a deep breath, eyes turning toward the ceiling. “You have no idea how hard I’m trying not to be mad at you right now.”

“Cas, please.” Dean was at a loss and all he could do was hold his hand out and pray.

And apparently god was listening in that moment because Cas stared at his hand for a heartbeat before taking it and letting Dean pull him close. Dean couldn’t believe how good it felt just to be able to hold Cas again, to keep pulling him in until Cas was sharing the hospital bed, their foreheads touching and hands clasped between their chests.

“You almost died in my arms.”

Cas’s whisper came minutes later and was barely audible but it shook Dean out of the euphoric state he’d fallen into from just listening to Cas breathe, feeling his warm skin again. “I know,” he replied softly. “But I’m here. I’m still here.” 

“I’m still mad at you.”

“I know.”

“And we’re going to have a long talk about your condition.”

“I know.”

But for now, he was alive and he had Cas and it was enough.

**Author's Note:**

> Thoughts? Feelings? Please tell me what you liked or didn't like. 
> 
> Come talk to me on [Tumblr!](http://caslikescoffeeandfreckles.tumblr.com/)


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